Sunday, June 28, 2015

"pictures and memories is all that remains"...losing my dad



It has been 10 years since my dad died.  To me, it was completely unexpected.  Looking back I should have seen the signs. I knew he had congestive heart failure, I honestly didn’t know it was going to kill him.  I was young, naive, I guess.  I really thought he was going to get better.  
It was a hot Monday, June 27, 2005, I had taken Kylie, my oldest daughter (almost 2 at the time), to a splash park then met my husband at work to go out and have lunch.  We were leaving McDonalds when I got the call from the police.  A friend of his couldn't get a hold of him and went over to my dad’s place (I can’t remember if they had plans or not) and when his friend saw his car there but couldn't get an answer at the door he called the police, who came, broke open the door and found him dead on the couch.  I got there right away, Brian dropped me off and took Kylie over to my mom’s house.  He was still on the couch when I walked in. 
I talked to my brother on the phone, he was out of town.  Part of me has wondered if my dad waited to die until my brother wasn't there, Brandon was living with him at the time and had he not been out of town he would have been the one to find him.  My uncle, Dale, my dad’s brother, came down and helped get a lock smith for the door that was broken and stayed until they took away my dad’s body. 
The next couple days were a blur.  I didn't have time to have the tearful breakdown I needed to have because I had to become the adult of the situation.   My brother, my husband (Brian) and I tore through his place looking for a will, and any other important documents we would need to know about. Went to his bank, had appointments with an attorney to begin working out the estate, made phone calls to his doctor, and went to plan his funeral.  That was the worst.  At age 21 I was in no way prepared to do all that, the guy at the funeral home looked at us and probably thought Don’t you guys have an adult with you?  Nope, it was me, my husband and my just turned 20 year old brother.
Father’s Day 2005 was the last time I saw my dad alive.  We went to out to eat, me, Brian, Kylie, Brandon & our dad.  I can’t pass that restaurant without thinking of him, I haven't been to there since.  And I really don't like Father’s Day.  I hate it.  There I said it. I feel bad for saying that cause it’s not fair to my husband, step-dad, father-in-law, and all the other fathers I know out there. I try to just focus on my husband and what a wonderful dad he is to our kids instead of thinking about the fact that I don’t have my dad anymore, but I still get emotional on Father’s Day, sentimental, still cry, not nearly as much as in the beginning though.  I am lucky to have a step-dad who treats me like a daughter. I am lucky to have a father-in-law who is proud of his son and our family.  I am lucky to have Brian as the father of our children and who has been such a strength to me through everything, he lost his mother when he was 15, when I lost my dad he already knew what it was like to lose a parent.  
Last year on Father’s Day I remember feeling the loss extra hard, that was shortly after my first miscarriage and all those emotions and feelings of loss and grief from that were right on the surface and reminded me of those same feelings I had when I lost my dad.  Just a couple weeks before that I had a friend from high school lose her dad, I left a post for her on Facebook, just what was on my heart for her as I heard about her dad. We don’t know each other super well but when you see someone is going through something that you have been through then your heart just hurts for them in a unique way.  A couple days later she sent me a message saying that out of all the things that people had said to her over that last week that my post was the one thing that continued to be on her mind and that she was able to get through her Father’s memorial with a sense of peace that she wouldn't have had before.   Wow.  I can’t remember now what exactly I said, all I know is that I wouldn’t have had those words to say if I hadn’t been a daughter who lost her father as well or if I hadn’t let God comfort me in that situation.  There is something humbling in the knowing that God can use us through our trials to comfort others.  It wasn’t me that helped my friend that day, it was God using me.  
It is hard to understand why things happen, I don't know why my dad didn’t have more time on earth and get to see all his grandkids growing up.  But I do know that we can get through more than we think.  God can use those hard things that we go through in life to teach us things we couldn’t have learned otherwise, to allow us to help others in ways we couldn’t have otherwise, to make us who we are meant to be.

 

“sometimes it takes an absence to leave the nest so when your looking down you know where you’ll see me best,
 I’ll be standing in my backyard waiting for the rain and wash it all off till I’m wasting away
it’s a little too late while I’m rushing to your grave, give my whole life to be back in those days 
when pictures and memories is all that remains, 
held it all inside till I'm taken away
so give me one more chance and I’ll make it okay, give me one more night so I can find a better day”

 some of the lyrics from “Last Holiday” by Brandon Meyer (my brother) a song he wrote several years ago.



The Last Holiday

It seems like its the norm to be taken for a fool
all the people with the pull always pulling over wool
but they couldnt teach me neither could the tv
 a bonds God given, this will never be easy
when life as you know it, change to life unknown
try to make new friends with those years alone
still a hose, hard rain, but nothing left to grow
just a guitar and a voice that could barely hold a note
that would play and repeat all the good times we own
but would never forget all the bad times weve known
no, wait to be seated, when everythings closed
it was christmas night and we had no roast
wake me up in december cuz im ready for the snow
cuz hell is to home when its all that you know
I hear you have your things packed when its time to go
and to think i was out of town when i heard the phone ring...

the day i knew i would never have peace 
or really feel completion never the least
or less thats how i feel when i replay the reel
and find myseld locked in for the fire drill

And we never live long but we never let it matter
make the best of it all when you cant force a smile
we ride a fine line which is wavery at times
and get lost in the mix and its OK
cuz ive said it all never saying a word
it occurred theres no point if your points not heard
sometimes it takes an absence to leave the nest
so when your looking down you know where youll see me best

Ill be standing in my backyard waiting for the rain 
and wash it all off til im wasting away
Its a little too late while im rushing to your grave
give my whole life to be back in those days
when pictures and memories is all that remains
held it all inside til im taken away 
so give me one more chance and ill make it okay
give me one more night so i can find a better day
Ill be standing in my backyard waiting for the rain 
and wash it all off til im wasting away
Its a little too late while im rushing to your grave
give my whole life to be back in those days
when pictures and memories is all that remains
held it all inside til im taken away 
so give me one more chance and ill make it okay
give me one more night so i can find a better day
give me one more chance and ill make it okay
give me one more night so i can find a better day

the statement that was stated in the place of my replacement
of the basis of my makeup being blank, just a page up
from the dream that i have, where i die before i wake up
if i had my way with time,  for sure i would take it
and make it more make it better cuz you would always make it
but in the end.. our foundation was on pavement
just wish it wasnt true or maybe never wasted
when the sun & moon align you wont find me in the basement

Ill be standing in my backyard waiting for the rain 
its a little too late while im rushing to your grave
standing in my backyard waiting for the rain
standing in my backyard waiting for the rain
its a little too late while im rushing to your grave
song by Brandon Meyer 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Love The Home You Have-kitchen/dining room re-do!


        I know most of my writing recently has been "heavy" so I thought it would be fun to write about and share pictures of a "lighter" subject...home decorating.   For the past several years I haven't really cared at all about decorating.  We moved into our 1,000 sq. ft. condo almost 10 years ago, painted and attempted to decorate when we first moved in.....and then haven't really done much since as far as stylish decor...mostly because we added 5 more children during that time.  And also because I guess I didn't really have a lot of motivation when in the back of mind I was thinking Hopefully we will be moving to a bigger house at some point.  But a couple months ago I decided that I really needed to face the fact that we will not be moving for probably a long time so I really wanted to just try to make better use out of what we do have.  It started with de-cluttering, just getting rid of things we don't need or use anymore...when you have 8 people in a small place things can feel cramped quickly.  Week after week I was (and still am) bagging up things for  Goodwill.  It feels good to get rid of things, and it helps us enjoy more what we have.  I wanted to do more than just get rid of things to make more room though, I wanted to love the home I have.
 After reading the book Love the Home You Have by Melissa Michaels I was inspired to look around and identify some areas I would really like to work on or improve in our home. Whether its improving the functionality to accommodate a growing family, or to just improve the overall "look" of an area, basically I want to smile when I walk around and look at my house!
        The kitchen was #1 on my list.  After purging things from cabinets and drawers, having my mom give us some colorful dishes that replaced boring ones, and pulling some things off the walls that I just didn't like anymore and that had been hanging there for almost a decade (!) I was motivated to repaint the whole thing and go with a whole new look.   So a couple weeks ago we took a Saturday to transform the space, its amazing how different it looks! I spent the week after shopping for little accessories, getting ideas of what kind of look I wanted with my wall art, painting pictures, etc.  After literally years of not putting much thought into the house aside from cleaning & organizing it was so fun to go out and buy something for the house just because I thought it was pretty.  And having an excuse to paint new pictures always makes me happy!
Getting Pinterest inspired while making ART!
Painted the outer and inner edge of this chalkboard to go with the walls


I used chalk paint to paint over an old canvas I had to make a chalkboard for the kids or to write quotes on, I did the burlap strip on it just to make it not so boring and to tie it in with some things in the rest of the room
My wall art gallery, consists of things I recently painted, a family picture, the painting in the small pink frame is one I painted years ago that was in a different frame in the basement. In the frame that still needs something in it will do a picture of Brian and I that should be coming in the mail soon, I had forgotten to order in when we did our family pictures recently.
I really like how these turned out and I like mixing the different styles.
of course when the kids saw me painting they wanted to paint pictures for the walls too, theirs are hanging in the hall by the entryway.
Instead of having the kids use "kid dishes" they use "real" dishes, yes they may get broken, but washing pretty dishes just makes me happier. And when I have to wash as many dishes as I do everyday, every meal, it is worth it!
Some of the kids everyday dishes
I found this metal sign for 5 bucks at Hobby Lobby, not only did it coordinate with my colors but I love what it says,  I even have "Dream On" tattooed on my foot,  this was a fun find!
I had been searching for some kind of a valence for the windows in the dining area, aside from the blinds that were hanging when we moved in, we have never had any window treatment for those windows, I always meant to put some kind of curtains up but things like having babies kept me distracted and buying curtains moved to the bottom of the list :)  After we painted, I decided I really wanted to finish the look with some kind of window treatment, I came across a curtain panel that I really liked the fabric of, but it was long (length-wise) and I needed something to go across the top.  A lady working at Home Depot suggested making a cornice and doing the fabric over it.
Brian built it and I wrapped the fabric around it using a staple gun.
We are happy with the result!

Here are some more pictures of our kitchen/dining area....I love how everything turned out and I am even more inspired to go through the rest of the house, see what changes can be made and make it the best I can with what we have.  When we first moved in we only had one child and had no idea that several more were in our future. There are times when having a small house and a large family gets frustrating but for the most part it really does work for us, and making some changes will help us love the home we have more and also make our home more functional for the growing children!  Next on the list....better shoe storage for entry, repainting a small bathroom, and getting the boys bunkbeds!

 



I should have taken some actual before pictures but here is one taken on mothers day the week before we painted that shows the wall color "before".
"before"