Today I went for an ultrasound, I have been wanting so badly to SEE the baby again. I've still been going to the doctor every week to hear the heartbeat and I've started to feel some little movements but there's nothing as reassuring as seeing your little baby moving around inside, seeing their hands and legs, watching that heart flicker....ahhhhhh, it was wonderful!
What was really cool was that Brian, all the kids, and my mom got to come too. The kids thought it was really neat seeing their baby brother kicking on the big screen....that's right, I said BROTHER. There were cheers around the room when the ultrasound tech announced "IT'S A BOY!!!!!"
We went shopping afterward and I let them pick out a few things for him. I love how they are so excited!
It's hard to even explain how relieved I am to see the baby looking so good. This pregnancy has been an emotional and sometimes hard, scary road so far for me and I am not even half way though. But I do feel like the hardest part is behind me.
Making it passed the point of loss in the last pregnancy is a HUGE deal for me, pregnancy after loss is not easy!! It's easy to say "just have faith"and "just trust God" but it's harder to put that into practice ALL the time, especially when the anxiety, worry, and fears can all of a sudden be consuming at times. I don't know if everyone realizes just how traumatic an experience of having a second trimester loss is, I've been pretty open about it, and for the most part I think people can see how awful it was.....But no one else is in my head, they don't see those images I have of delivering a baby that has died, they don't carry with them the moment I was told "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat"...those memories don't go away and unfortunately it can make the next pregnancy very scary.
Mostly, I have felt God's comfort in this and I certainly feel the prayers surrounding me, but I'd be lying if I said I've had total faith and trusted completely 100% of the time in this pregnancy. I have shed many tears in my fears, but each time I got to that low point I just prayed harder and reminded myself to give it to God, He's got this is what I had to tell myself many many times.
I am so thankful to be sitting here typing this feeling little kicks within from my son, my rainbow baby...this little one is so precious to me. Every one of my babies were wanted, loved from the beginning and celebrated but after all the pain of loss and then the waiting and praying to get pregnant again there is something just so special about this baby...I have a feeling we are all going to spoil this baby just a little bit extra!
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