For some reason I am having an even harder time writing this post than I did writing the story of the day I had the loss, the days afterward were awful. I am going to do most of this sharing some of my journal entries during that time, that’s probably the best way to really show what was going on inside me. I’ve filled several journals pouring out my pain and emotions during that time so this will only be bits and pieces. It doesn't get any easier right away, if anything it got harder as the reality sank in.
Excerpts from my journal entries during the week after I delivered Trey:
Day 1 after: “I am still in shock, there are moments where I just can’t believe it happened, where my brain can’t comprehend that it really happened.”
Day 2 after (I was writing about how my husband was taking the girls to their activities): “I don’t want to go anywhere that I am going to have to pretend like I am not completely apart and broken inside…right now it feels like that will never happen, it feels like I will always feel like this.”
Day 3 after: “ Sobbing once again, my heart just hurts so badly. I miss being pregnant, I miss my baby bump, I miss knowing there is a little life inside me, I miss telling the kids the baby is the size of a strawberry, a lemon, an orange, etc. I just can’t believe it. Last week I was pregnant and now I’m not, I just don’t get it”
Day 6 after: “It has been one week since I found out my baby wasn’t going to be born here on earth. I still can’t believe it. I wish I would just wake up and it would all be just a bad dream…but it looks like this is my reality now…I had to deliver a son that was not alive… I will never forget that day. I use to think that the worst day of my life was when I got the call from the police that they found my dad dead in his condo and I had to go there and see him lying there….then I lost baby Jamie (our first trimester miscarriage) and that ranked right up there with the worst….But Nov. 19, 2014 was the worst day of my life…how do you get over not only losing your baby (a miscarriage no matter how far along you are is devastating enough) but having to go through labor and delivery and actually seeing your dead child, it’s just so awful….”
Day 7 after: “This year has shown me that you just can’t plan on anything -every positive pregnancy test doesn’t equal a baby at the end; the worst morning sickness doesn't equal a healthy baby; making it to the 2nd trimester doesn't mean you are out of the ‘risk zone’ ; it doesn't matter how much you pray for something or how thankful you are for something it doesn't mean that God is going to let you keep it. I don’t understand it at all. My heart is so heavy. It feels like it is scattered in a million pieces, it’s so heavy that it literally hurts. As time goes on I know I will learn better how to accept losing my babies, one day I may even be able to say that I am ok, but that day is not today. I am not ok. One day I hope I can think of them with only hope and faith of the future eternity with them, it helps to think of them like that but right now the hurt is just too big and it overshadows those things that should be able to comfort me. The pain is too raw.”
Day 8 after (Thanksgiving): to baby Trey “I am thankful I got to carry you in my belly for the amount of time that I did. I am thankful I got to see you and hold you. I am thankful that I will get to see you again in heaven”
As you can see I was very much in disbelief at first, it didn't seem real, slowly as it began to set in the grief would just overwhelm me at times, it still has a way of doing that sometimes but I am happy to say that it does get easier. You find ways to deal with the loss, during the time when you are the weakest the Lord is doing His work making you stronger than you knew you could be. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says “Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” (NLT) and verse10 ends by saying “For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Why is it that sometimes you do the most growing during the toughest times in your life???
It was hard typing out parts of my journal entries from the first week (I hadn’t even gone back to read it again until now) and even harder sharing them with everyone, but as I wrote in my journals through this time in my life I felt like God was calling me to use my writing as a way to reach others, maybe someone going through this same thing needs to know she are not alone, maybe she need her friends and family to read this and get a glimpse of what she is feeling so that they can better understand her.
My part 2 post will be on what some of my friends and family did for me during the first week after the loss that meant a lot to me.
Thank you so much for sharing this. We just lost our little boy this last week. I have 2 other children and this was my first miscarriage. It is still such a shock to think about that a week ago he was in my belly and everything seemed fine. This had been the worst week of my life. Everything you wrote about in your journal has been how I'm feeling. I feel like each day seems to get better but I still become overwhelmed with the sadness of losing this little baby I had dreamed of holding and loving. I've been praying and reading my Bible a lot and crying many tears. Friends who have gone through this have been encouraging to me but still, the fact that I had to deliver him and see him and know what could have been just makes it so hard. I was 19 weeks and 2 days when I delivered him early Tuesday morning. I just wish this was only a bad dream.
ReplyDeleteJust thank you so much for sharing your story. It's comforting to know it will get easier.
Oh Katie, I am so sorry you are going through this right now, when I hear of someone who just lost their baby like that it just breaks my heart and brings back all those emotions because I just know how awful those first days, weeks, even months can be. You are on the right path toward healing by praying, reading your bible and crying a lot, you need all that very much, it will take time though, I don't know that I can say you ever truly heal from something like this, like you said having to deliver him and see him, that just brings makes it so much harder, so much more traumatic, something you will never forget. But I am happy to say you will get through it and be ok. I still think of that baby everyday at some time throughout the day...every day...but usually not in like a grieving way, more of a remembrance, my heart still hurts at times but it's not constant and no where near what it was like at first. I can even smile about him knowing he is safe in heaven, if he can't be here with me then what better place to be? Thank YOU for commenting, I appreciate knowing my story might help someone else even the slightest as you go through something so painful.
ReplyDelete