Miscarriage, First Trimester Loss...my story

   I have written a lot about my second trimester miscarriage , but as it approaches one year since my first miscarriage, a first trimester loss, I am feeling the need to write about that.  It is probably relatable to more people as well, it is sad to realize just how many people have experienced an early pregnancy loss.  

   I was 8 weeks along when our baby passed away, there was a heartbeat at one ultrasound and 5 days later no longer a heartbeat at the next ultrasound.  I started spotting when I was close to 7 weeks, so I knew something was wrong, I had never had any spotting in any other pregnancy, but when I called the doctors office they tried to assure me that spotting can be normal in early pregnancy and I was put on modified “bed rest” until my appointment a few days later.  At my appointment everything seemed ok, I was still spotting but my levels were high and at the ultrasound I got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat, I was so relieved.  I had a lot of people praying for me during that time and I was excited to tell them after my appointment: “YAY!  There’s a heartbeat! Things are looking good!”  But the next day I was feeling very crampy, then the next day I had period like bleeding, I remember thinking, “I am pregnant, I shouldn’t have to go buy pads!” 

     That was on the weekend, my next appointment was Tuesday for checking blood levels to make sure they were rising since I was still bleeding.  When I arrived at the office they already had my result from the lab, as the nurse said my number I immediately started crying, at first she didn't understand, the number was still high, but then she looked at my chart and saw that it had dropped from a few days earlier, I knew I had lost the baby.  They sent me for another ultrasound which confirmed it, there was now no heartbeat.  I wasn’t completely shocked, I knew the bleeding I was having was not right.  I had been praying for a miracle though.  My doctor told me that since I was already bleeding that I shouldn’t have a problem letting the miscarriage happen naturally instead of getting a D&C, so I chose that.  I had no idea it would take so long.  I went in once a week to get my blood drawn…for weeks and weeks…I had bruises on my arms from it. ( when it was all said and done I had my blood taken 12 times in 3 months)

  For the next few weeks I couldn’t focus on anything, I cried everyday.  When I had found out I was pregnant the thought that I could lose the baby didn't even cross my mind, I always had such a positive/optimistic view of pregnancy before.  I hate that that was taken from me.  I feel like I was so naive to not realize how common miscarriage is.  I think there are also people that don’t realize just how heartbreaking and life-changing even an early loss can be.  It is so devastating no matter how far along you are.  It’s all those thoughts of what could have been, but will never be.

   Waiting to actually pass the baby was so so hard, I knew my body was still carrying around him/her, I even still had pregnancy symptoms on and off, my bleeding had slowed to just spotting, I had no idea when it was going to actually “happen” or if it already happened and I somehow missed it.  My body was wanting to hold on to the baby as long as it could.  

        About a month later (from when I found out I was having a miscarriage) I had to go get a wisdom tooth pulled, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, it started hurting really bad and I was afraid it was messing up my teeth.  It was the Friday after Mother’s Day, I called an oral surgeon and they were able to get me in right away, luckily my brother was off school that day and was able to come over and watch the kids.  So I went by myself and told them to just numb me and pull it out, I couldn’t be put to sleep because I had driven myself plus it would have cost more money.  Afterward as I was walking into Meijer for my prescription  (face swollen, numb,  & starting to get very painful) I, all of a sudden, started gushing blood, and passing big clots…it was awful.  Luckily I was right by the bathroom. I went home right away and had more of the same, I didn't actually see the baby, the toilet was full of blood but I had “plops” as I passed big “things” which I could only assume was my baby. (I know it’s gross to talk about it, but honestly there will be people that need to know what happens, or can happen, during a miscarriage so I’m not going to sugar coat it)  I cried and cried.  I called my doctor and the nurse said it sounds like I had just passed the baby but to come in and get checked.  They ended up giving me a prescription that would help my uterus contract, I guess to just help finish it up.  I believe I had a missed miscarriage where it took my body awhile (almost 5 weeks) to register that the baby was no longer alive and was (my body) still acting like I was pregnant for that month or so in between the baby passing away and me passing the baby.   I spend that weekend in bed, a physical and emotional wreck.  

   My levels still took over a month to get all the way down after that, but I was getting use to going, I was almost afraid for it to end, it’s so weird but it was like it was the last thing tying me to the pregnancy, to my baby, and I wasn't ready to “move on”.  I think God knew I needed it to take so long, I needed to emotionally come to terms with it before I was ready to get my normal cycles back and stuff.  The day the nurse called and said my levels were low enough and that I didn’t have to go back I was very emotional.  My thoughts were “It’s finished…so now what??”  I didn’t have much time to process that because the next day I started bleeding a lot, the nurse said I was having my first period afterward, and it was awful! Big clots, contraction like cramps.  I was not expecting that. 

   Right when we found out we lost the baby I wanted to pick a name, I wanted it to be a name that could be used for a boy or a girl since we didn't know, although I have always felt it was a boy.  We chose Jamie Cameron. Jamie as a nickname for James which was my grandpa’s name and my husbands dad and grandpa’s name. And Cameron because my dad’s initials were C.A.M and also my son one day mentioned wanting to name the baby that.  I think naming the baby helps a lot in the healing process.  It helps being able to refer to the baby by name instead of “it”, my kids talk often of the two babies we lost and always use their names, it is comforting.  They will not be forgotten.  

   I had been writing in a journal about everything and a couple weeks after it was all done made a list of ways I could see how it all changed me and also a list of what I was thankful for afterward, this is what I wrote:

I am more passionate.

More emotional.

More grateful.

More in awe of life. 

Less optimistic.

Less likely to try to plan the future.

Cry easily.

Pray more.

Don’t care as much about the little things, but at the same time it’s the little things that really get to me.

I am Thankful.

Thankful I got pregnant in the first place.

Thankful that I felt pregnant. 

Thankful that I rejoiced and praise God when I found out was pregnant.

Thankful that I got to see/hear baby Jamie’s heartbeat when he/she was still alive.

Thankful that I have a baby in heaven that is waiting for me.   

   It was hard to get to the place of peace with it, it didn’t come right away, to be honest I was angry at God, I didn’t want to pray, I was confused, I just hurt so much; but overtime after turning to the scripture I was able to find that peace you get when you just lay it all down and then trust Him that what you are going through is His plan and He will get you through.