Miscarriage, First Trimester Loss...my story

   I have written a lot about my second trimester miscarriage , but as it approaches one year since my first miscarriage, a first trimester loss, I am feeling the need to write about that.  It is probably relatable to more people as well, it is sad to realize just how many people have experienced an early pregnancy loss.  

   I was 8 weeks along when our baby passed away, there was a heartbeat at one ultrasound and 5 days later no longer a heartbeat at the next ultrasound.  I started spotting when I was close to 7 weeks, so I knew something was wrong, I had never had any spotting in any other pregnancy, but when I called the doctors office they tried to assure me that spotting can be normal in early pregnancy and I was put on modified “bed rest” until my appointment a few days later.  At my appointment everything seemed ok, I was still spotting but my levels were high and at the ultrasound I got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat, I was so relieved.  I had a lot of people praying for me during that time and I was excited to tell them after my appointment: “YAY!  There’s a heartbeat! Things are looking good!”  But the next day I was feeling very crampy, then the next day I had period like bleeding, I remember thinking, “I am pregnant, I shouldn’t have to go buy pads!” 

     That was on the weekend, my next appointment was Tuesday for checking blood levels to make sure they were rising since I was still bleeding.  When I arrived at the office they already had my result from the lab, as the nurse said my number I immediately started crying, at first she didn't understand, the number was still high, but then she looked at my chart and saw that it had dropped from a few days earlier, I knew I had lost the baby.  They sent me for another ultrasound which confirmed it, there was now no heartbeat.  I wasn’t completely shocked, I knew the bleeding I was having was not right.  I had been praying for a miracle though.  My doctor told me that since I was already bleeding that I shouldn’t have a problem letting the miscarriage happen naturally instead of getting a D&C, so I chose that.  I had no idea it would take so long.  I went in once a week to get my blood drawn…for weeks and weeks…I had bruises on my arms from it. ( when it was all said and done I had my blood taken 12 times in 3 months)

  For the next few weeks I couldn’t focus on anything, I cried everyday.  When I had found out I was pregnant the thought that I could lose the baby didn't even cross my mind, I always had such a positive/optimistic view of pregnancy before.  I hate that that was taken from me.  I feel like I was so naive to not realize how common miscarriage is.  I think there are also people that don’t realize just how heartbreaking and life-changing even an early loss can be.  It is so devastating no matter how far along you are.  It’s all those thoughts of what could have been, but will never be.

   Waiting to actually pass the baby was so so hard, I knew my body was still carrying around him/her, I even still had pregnancy symptoms on and off, my bleeding had slowed to just spotting, I had no idea when it was going to actually “happen” or if it already happened and I somehow missed it.  My body was wanting to hold on to the baby as long as it could.  

        About a month later (from when I found out I was having a miscarriage) I had to go get a wisdom tooth pulled, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, it started hurting really bad and I was afraid it was messing up my teeth.  It was the Friday after Mother’s Day, I called an oral surgeon and they were able to get me in right away, luckily my brother was off school that day and was able to come over and watch the kids.  So I went by myself and told them to just numb me and pull it out, I couldn’t be put to sleep because I had driven myself plus it would have cost more money.  Afterward as I was walking into Meijer for my prescription  (face swollen, numb,  & starting to get very painful) I, all of a sudden, started gushing blood, and passing big clots…it was awful.  Luckily I was right by the bathroom. I went home right away and had more of the same, I didn't actually see the baby, the toilet was full of blood but I had “plops” as I passed big “things” which I could only assume was my baby. (I know it’s gross to talk about it, but honestly there will be people that need to know what happens, or can happen, during a miscarriage so I’m not going to sugar coat it)  I cried and cried.  I called my doctor and the nurse said it sounds like I had just passed the baby but to come in and get checked.  They ended up giving me a prescription that would help my uterus contract, I guess to just help finish it up.  I believe I had a missed miscarriage where it took my body awhile (almost 5 weeks) to register that the baby was no longer alive and was (my body) still acting like I was pregnant for that month or so in between the baby passing away and me passing the baby.   I spend that weekend in bed, a physical and emotional wreck.  

   My levels still took over a month to get all the way down after that, but I was getting use to going, I was almost afraid for it to end, it’s so weird but it was like it was the last thing tying me to the pregnancy, to my baby, and I wasn't ready to “move on”.  I think God knew I needed it to take so long, I needed to emotionally come to terms with it before I was ready to get my normal cycles back and stuff.  The day the nurse called and said my levels were low enough and that I didn’t have to go back I was very emotional.  My thoughts were “It’s finished…so now what??”  I didn’t have much time to process that because the next day I started bleeding a lot, the nurse said I was having my first period afterward, and it was awful! Big clots, contraction like cramps.  I was not expecting that. 

   Right when we found out we lost the baby I wanted to pick a name, I wanted it to be a name that could be used for a boy or a girl since we didn't know, although I have always felt it was a boy.  We chose Jamie Cameron. Jamie as a nickname for James which was my grandpa’s name and my husbands dad and grandpa’s name. And Cameron because my dad’s initials were C.A.M and also my son one day mentioned wanting to name the baby that.  I think naming the baby helps a lot in the healing process.  It helps being able to refer to the baby by name instead of “it”, my kids talk often of the two babies we lost and always use their names, it is comforting.  They will not be forgotten.  

   I had been writing in a journal about everything and a couple weeks after it was all done made a list of ways I could see how it all changed me and also a list of what I was thankful for afterward, this is what I wrote:

I am more passionate.

More emotional.

More grateful.

More in awe of life. 

Less optimistic.

Less likely to try to plan the future.

Cry easily.

Pray more.

Don’t care as much about the little things, but at the same time it’s the little things that really get to me.

I am Thankful.

Thankful I got pregnant in the first place.

Thankful that I felt pregnant. 

Thankful that I rejoiced and praise God when I found out was pregnant.

Thankful that I got to see/hear baby Jamie’s heartbeat when he/she was still alive.

Thankful that I have a baby in heaven that is waiting for me.   

   It was hard to get to the place of peace with it, it didn’t come right away, to be honest I was angry at God, I didn’t want to pray, I was confused, I just hurt so much; but overtime after turning to the scripture I was able to find that peace you get when you just lay it all down and then trust Him that what you are going through is His plan and He will get you through.  

Just thankful for the nice weather...

Ahh, finally some nice weather!!  It is early March, this winter has been rough, with all snow and frigid temps we have been stuck in the house too much.  This week the kids and I have done a lot of things that we haven't done in months: taking walks, playing outside with scooters, running errands.  I hate taking all the kids out in the winter so we typically avoid going anywhere that we don’t have to, it has been great to just get out and enjoy it.  Things don’t feel like a hassle when it’s nice outside!  

     On Monday, besides going to all the dance classes we went to Kroger, Great Clips, Dollar Tree, and the library, all walking distance from where the girls take dance.  We also went into the post office so that my older two girls could mail letters to South Dakota and California, requesting information on Mount Rushmore and Redwood National Park.  Yesterday we walked about a mile around our neighborhood and played outside, met a new neighbor, then I walked for almost an 1 1/2 hours during dance in the evening (when usually I would be sitting on my butt inside!).  Today we met a friend for lunch and then walked to Target from there to get dance tights, I love being able to walk between places instead of having to get everyone in and out of the van.  Came home and played outside, for the record half of the kids can beat me in a race!  This evening when my husband worked late I had to take all the kids to dance rehearsal for 2 of the girls but it was no big deal because we just went outside and the kids ran around (vs if it was a week ago it would have been freezing cold with snow on the ground, I would have had to bundle everyone up, and then try to keep them entertained and somewhat quiet inside the building).  

It’s amazing how much the weather affects everything, at least for me.  I plan on taking advantage of anytime it is nice out this spring, we have very cold winters and very hot summers around here so it makes me (and the kids) just even more thankful for days like this.  The nice weather and sunshine is making my soul happy.  I have desperately need it! 

She kept saying to everyone: "Don't step on my shadow!"

Trying to ride her brother's scooter.

The snow is melting!!

He is getting his shoes all muddy!

Can't believe this little girl will be 3 next month!

She still likes being carried in the Ergo, sometimes, it burns twice as much calories when you take a walk with an almost 3 year on your back, right?! 

Finding Your Homeschooling Style

Unschooling vs structured curriculum vs Charlotte Mason vs eclectic vs Classical (etc.) styles always seem to be a topic discussed among homeschoolers, it’s especially the question of new homeschoolers who haven’t found their groove yet.  I touched on this topic in my previous post about year-round schooling but I figured I would do a separate post on it.   It’s something I enjoy talking about with others, I love to hear the different learning philosophies among the homeschooling community. 

When we first started out homeschooling my oldest was 4, she was very mature for her age and very ready for kindergarten. ( I feel it’s necessary to point out here that my 4 year old right now is no where near ready to be doing what she was doing at 4, EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT) But anyway, because it was our first year, I was still very new to the whole idea of homeschooling in general so we went with a very much school-at-home type approach, with a very structured curriculum (A Beka) that worked for us for less than 2 years or so before I realized 1. It wasn't going to work well for us as we added more children 2. She was at the end of first grade and not liking school time any more  3. I was spending too much prep time 4. That made for a stressed mama.  I am not saying that A Beka is not a good curriculum at all, I was very impressed with how she was reading by the end of the phonics lessons, and we still use A Beka readers as supplements, I think it is a great company, it just wasn't for us and didn't fit well with my more relaxed/free thinking.  I started researching unschooling and also the Charlotte Mason approach and both of those resonated with me and my way of thinking. 

  We took a year of basically doing unschooling (child-led learning, we didn’t use a curriculum), we learned about Laura Ingalls, about whatever animals my daughter was interested in, studied Egypt, did a lot of art, etc.  It was great but at the same time I missed the feeling of accomplishment of completing an official grade or level, my daughter could feel that lack as well, she likes to do things in her own way but she also likes to check things off and see her progress on paper.  Around that time I had a friend tell me about My Father’s World, I really liked what I saw of it, it seemed to be a curriculum that used much of Charlotte Mason (living books vs textbooks, narration, short lessons with afternoons free to play & explore, teaching a love of knowledge instead of grades) ideas, so we decided to try it for the next year.  My daughter just loved it, she looked forward to it everyday.  

She has been using My Father’s World (it covers science, history, geography, literature, bible, art and music appreciation, then gives suggestions for language arts & math, which we use most of their recommendations for language arts) for several years now and still really likes it, just the other day we were talking about how she is about 7 weeks away from finishing her 6th grade year with MFW and she says “When are you going to order my 7th grade stuff? I can’t wait to get it!”  I love that she has found something that works so well for her, she takes the teacher manual and sees what it says to do for the week and does it at her own schedule.  There are things we omit, things we add, I like that even though it is a boxed curriculum we can still have freedom with it. 

This year my 3rd grader has the most eclectic pieced together “curriculum”of any of the kids, she has done some of the MFW with my oldest, she has read through all the A Beka readers, including the science, history, health & manners, etc.   She reads a ton on all different subjects.  My plan is to have her do MFW fully next year but we will see, she does well with a more unstructured approach.  She does well with the child-led learning and it’s fun to hear about what interests her, recently she has wanted to learn about India, volcanos, elephants, and sharks!

My first grader has spent part of the year working through her math, doing lessons from The Reading Lesson, writing verses for handwriting practice, etc. and then part of the year doing MFW First Grade program, which we are working on now and will finish sometime this summer.  I really like the MFW 1st grade, but one of the reasons we took some time off of it with her this year was that she was struggling with reading and I didn't just want to push through it when she wasn’t ready for some of the phonics parts. 

My kindergartener did most of the MFW K program last year with his sister but wasn't quite ready for 1st this year so basically just does A LOT of playing with his 4 year old brother!  He does “school” sometimes but usually only when he asks.  

Math is something my husband feels strongly that the kids need a solid foundation in so we do use a curriculum for that with all the kids school aged. (Math-U-See)  We also have Life of Fred math which I really like and would fit more into my ideals but I respect my husbands opinion on the math so Life of Fred is used as just a supplement.  What I do like about Math-U-See is that the children know what to expect, each lesson is set up basically the same way.  I also like the video lessons that they watch and there is no prep-work for me.  They think the blocks are cool!  We have been using Math-U-See for years now, I let them go at their own pace, if it’s getting frustrating we take a step back to review and take our time.  When it’s easy I let them work as quickly as they want. Each book/level is basically a grade but we have taken only 6 months to complete one or even up to 18 months to finish one.  What matters is that they (individually) are moving forward (at any pace) and understanding what is being taught.  

If I am being honest, this school year has been a struggle for me, the “school year” started out with me having awful morning sickness that lasted like 2 1/2 months, followed by losing the baby, then the holidays, so there were many, many days when “school” was the last thing I could focus on.  Luckily, my two oldest were able to continue with most of what they do because they just have a good flow going of knowing what is expected, as well as what they want to get accomplished.  And the more unstructured approach worked well during those hard times, we did things when we could, we let go of things that we could and through the process they all continued to learn and grow in their own ways.

      If you are new to homeschooling I encourage you to be flexible and give yourself permission to relax a little.  You will find what style works best for you and your family, and it’s ok if it’s not the same as your friends.  Change it up if you start feeling burned out.  Listen to your heart. Pray about it. Pay attention to how your kids are responding.  Be willing to try something new if what you are doing just isn’t working anymore.  Life happens, not all seasons look the same, some years of homeschooling will look different than others.  I love this quote from Educating the Whole-Hearted Child by Clay and Sally Clarkson “Your home can and should be a warm, vibrant place where your children love to learn as freely and as naturally as they love to play.”  That is a pretty good overall goal to have.

Helping someone after a loss: my first week after 2nd trimester miscarriage: part 2

I wanted to do a second post about the first week after losing the baby (my second trimester miscarriage) to talk about what other people did that meant a lot to me during that time.   When someone is going through a devastating experience family and friends can really make a difference even if they don’t feel like they are.  No one can say or do anything that will take away the pain or even ease it really, but showing care and love through actions speaks volumes.  

Childcare:The first thing was watching my kids, knowing that my children were taken care of allowed me to fully let myself focus on what I needed to without having to worry about them.  My mom and step-dad kept the kids overnight the night before we went to the hospital.  My husband and I needed that alone time together as we began to process the fact that just that afternoon we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat and I would deliver the next day.  Then in the morning we were able to go straight to the hospital.

Helping with the kids activities was another big thing for me, I really wanted the girls to still be able to attend their activities and have that sense of normalcy during that time, my step-dad picked the girls up from their American Heritage Girls meeting that night, which was something they would have been disappointed to miss, but something that I just couldn't do.  My brother and sister-in-law then came over the day/evening of my delivery to help when the kids came home from my moms, my sister-in-law brought them pizza for dinner and took the girls to their dance classes.  It helped me knowing that they weren’t missing those things.  Their dance teacher had the class make me a card, then took my girls out for ice cream afterward and brought them home.   Making things a little brighter/giving them a little bit of fun during that time was a comfort for me as well. 

Presence:They (my brother and sister-in-law) were at my house when I got home from the hospital and it was nice just having their support there, as well as the helping hands. That was a Wednesday, my husband had to go to work Thursday and Friday (luckily he was able to take off the whole next week) so my sister-in-law came over and spend all day with me and the kids on Thursday, and my mom came over Friday morning and even went and got the kids McDonalds for lunch.  Those first days I probably wouldn’t have been able to make myself get out of bed if it wasn't for having them coming over, it showed their care for me as well as helping to distract the kids and make those days good for them. 

Meals:I had two friends come bring us dinner during that first week, and when you have 6 children to feed something like that is very much appreciated! I was very touched by that, most of my pain was emotional but I was definitely also still recovering physically so taking away the work of making a meal for our whole family was wonderful.  (also, after my first miscarriage I had an out of town friend mail a sweet card and a gift card to a restaurant, my husband was able to go pick-up carry-out for dinner one night which we were so grateful for, it came at a much needed time.  I wanted to add that as an idea in case you have someone far away from you that you still want to do something for)

Gifts: My mom knew how much my small “in memory of baby” necklace I had put together after our first loss meant to me, so as a special gift to me she (and my step-dad) paid for a new one, bigger that could be for both babies, I picked out the day after I delivered.  It is something that means so much to me, it has the initial for both of the babies we lost, birthstones, and special charms that represent them.  It is the one thing that I put on when I go out even if I don’t wear any other jewelry.  

Just a few days after delivery I got a surprise package in the mail, I was beyond touched to see that it was from one of my closest friends (who had already just brought us dinner the day before).  It was the Angel’s Embrace Willow Tree statue, I cried.  I absolutely love it, the meaning and thought behind it is so special to me and it is something I still look at everyday.  

Cards, calls, texts & messages: During that first week I wasn't able to return every single text or message right away, and yes sometimes they made me cry, but they also made me feel like people cared. (I specifically remember a long text from one of my out-of-state brothers that brought me to tears instantly, but it was so meaningful to me) Even getting the texts saying “Hey, I’ve been praying for you” or “I’m so sorry you are going through this” or even “How are you doing?” just showed me that that person cared and was thinking of me even if they didn’t know what to really say.   Cards are my favorite “messages” because it is something I put inside the memory box, I didn’t get many cards but the few I did get are very meaningful to me. 

I don’t have a good conclusion for this post other than I hope maybe it gives some one an idea on how to be a help to someone else, and to say that the things you do really do matter.  I will always remember what people did for me during that time. 

My first week after 2nd trimester miscarriage, part 1

For some reason I am having an even harder time writing this post than I did writing the story of the day I had the loss, the days afterward were awful.  I am going to do most of this sharing some of my journal entries during that time, that’s probably the best way to really show what was going on inside me.  I’ve filled several journals pouring out my pain and emotions during that time so this will only be bits and pieces.  It doesn't get any easier right away, if anything it got harder as the reality sank in.  

Excerpts from my journal entries during the week after I delivered Trey:

 
Day 1 after: “I am still in shock, there are moments where I just can’t believe it happened, where my brain can’t comprehend that it really happened.”  

Day 2 after (I was writing about how my husband was taking the girls to their activities): “I don’t want to go anywhere that I am going to have to pretend like I am not completely apart and broken inside…right now it feels like that will never happen, it feels like I will always feel like this.”  

  Day 3 after: “ Sobbing once again, my heart just hurts so badly. I miss being pregnant, I miss my baby bump, I miss knowing there is a little life inside me, I miss telling the kids the baby is the size of a strawberry, a lemon, an orange, etc. I just  can’t believe it.  Last week I was pregnant and now I’m not, I just don’t get it”

Day 6 after: “It has been one week since I found out my baby wasn’t going to be born here on earth. I still can’t believe it. I wish I would just wake up and it would all be just a bad dream…but it looks like this is my reality now…I had to deliver a son that was not alive… I will never forget that day. I use to think that the worst day of my life was when I got the call from the police that they found my dad dead in his condo and I had to go there and see him lying there….then I lost baby Jamie (our first trimester miscarriage) and that ranked right up there with the worst….But Nov. 19, 2014 was the worst day of my life…how do you get over not only losing your baby (a miscarriage no matter how far along you are is devastating enough)  but having to go through labor and delivery and actually seeing your dead child, it’s just so awful….”

Day 7 after: “This year has shown me that you just can’t plan on anything -every positive pregnancy test doesn’t equal a baby at the end; the worst morning sickness doesn't equal a healthy baby; making it to the 2nd trimester doesn't mean you are out of the ‘risk zone’ ; it doesn't matter how much you pray for something or how thankful you are for something it doesn't mean that God is going to let you keep it. I don’t understand it at all.  My heart is so heavy. It feels like it is scattered in a million pieces, it’s so heavy that it literally hurts. As time goes on I know I will learn better how to accept losing my babies, one day I may even be able to say that I am ok, but that day is not today. I am not ok.  One day I hope I can think of them with only hope and faith of the future eternity with them, it helps to think of them like that but right now the hurt is just too big and it overshadows those things that should be able to comfort me. The pain is too raw.”

Day 8 after (Thanksgiving): to baby Trey “I am thankful I got to carry you in my belly for the amount of time that I did. I am thankful I got to see you and hold you. I am thankful that I will get to see you again in heaven”

 
   As you can see I was very much in disbelief at first, it didn't seem real, slowly as it began to set in the grief would just overwhelm me at times, it still has a way of doing that sometimes but I am happy to say that it does get easier.  You find ways to deal with the loss, during the time when you are the weakest the Lord is doing His work making you stronger than you knew you could be.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says “Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” (NLT) and verse10 ends by saying “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  Why is it that sometimes you do the most growing during the toughest times in your life??? 

It was hard typing out parts of my journal entries from the first week (I hadn’t even gone back to read it again until now) and even harder sharing them with everyone, but as I wrote in my journals through this time in my life I felt like God was calling me to use my writing as a way to reach others, maybe someone going through this same thing  needs to know she are not alone, maybe she need her friends and family to read this and get a glimpse of what she is feeling so that they can better understand her. 

My part 2 post will be on what some of my friends and family did for me during the first week after the loss that meant a lot to me. 

Homeschooling year-round

One of the many benefits of homeschooling is the freedom to make your own schedule.  There are many homeschoolers who follow the traditional September-May schedule, there are some that school for a certain number of weeks on, then a break and continue that pattern throughout the year, and then there are those who homeschool all year around.  We have actually done a mixture of those schedules in our 8 years of homeschooling and I have landed on the year-round approach.

I still typically have them start their new grade in the summertime, so that it is more in line with things like classes at church, etc. but there are times when they have started new grades in January or February.   Just recently my 6th grader completed her math level and moved up to the next one, when it comes to things like that it wouldn’t make sense to wait until “next school year” to start something else.  But also it takes the pressure off having to finish a certain subject by the end of May.  

Also with homeschooling year-round we have the freedom to work on the core subjects during the main part of the year and then in the summer read those extra books on topics we studied throughout the year, take time for art history, learning cursive, just to name some examples.  I have multiple children that are school age now so knowing that I can count on those summer months allows me to stretch out what we do and puts less pressure on me and on them, they need the freedom to work at their own pace and not feel rushed to get something done.  I want them to enjoy learning.  When my 3rd grader and my 1st grader are up in their room playing paper dolls when it’s “school time” I can just let them, I know the work will eventually get done and I feel very strongly that creative play can be just as beneficial for them as academics at their young ages.  Spreading all the subjects out throughout the year makes our days and weeks more flexible, which basically means more playtime!

This past week all the “brick and mortar” schools were off because of snow and extreme cold temperatures, yet we (and most other homeschoolers I talked to) kept up with our school work, which will allow us to not feel guilty about taking the nice days off this coming spring to get out and enjoy the weather. 

In the summertime we more relaxed with our schedule because we usually have completed the main curriculum I have wanted them to finish before moving on to the next grade, well, this year my 1st grader won’t have her stuff done but it will work out great since I won’t be working with her older siblings as much I will more time to focus on her stuff.  But I see no reason why on the very high humidity days when we just stay home that they shouldn't get some schooling done so that say in December we can spend a good amount of the month making cookies/treats, cards and gifts for others.  

Now for the most part I am talking about my 6th grader and 3rd grader when I talk about them getting their schoolwork done.  I do have my 1st grader, Kindergartener and preschool do some school work too, especially my 1st grader, but I tend to take more of an unschooling approach when they are young.  Which also works so well with the year-round approach, to me there are always opportunities all around them to learn, it doesn't have to be sitting at a desk.  (I could do a whole other post on that :) 

 

My 2nd Trimester loss

Sometimes the pain is so intense I feel like it just happened, other times it seems like it happened so long ago…it’s been a long 3 months of mourning, grief, and confusion, but also of searching for comfort, peace, and hope.

My reason and hope for sharing my stories about miscarriage is to help someone else who is going through it.  I don’t know how much “help” I can be other than I know that it helps me knowing that I am not alone and that what I am thinking and feeling is a normal part of this.  Everybody handles things differently, each situation is different, but still a lot of the emotions and deep down feelings are the same. 

The pregnancy started out with a bang, before I could even suspect I was pregnant I started having symptoms, they came early and strong;  and I was so thankful, I thought that the worse I felt meant the better the baby was doing, and for a while that seemed true.  I was nervous about the pregnancy since I had miscarried around 8 weeks several months prior, but the severe morning sickness helped calm and reassure my anxiety.  I had an ultrasound around 8 weeks that showed that the baby doing great, at 12 weeks I heard a good strong heartbeat on the doppler at my check-up. I was beginning to relax. My morning sickness started going away at the beginning of the 2nd trimester, which is what always happens in my pregnancies so I was feeling good. I had a nice little baby bump that I just loved. 

Then the day of my 16 week appointment I began having brown spotting,  I knew something was wrong.  I went in for the appointment and she couldn’t find the heartbeat on the doppler so I was immediately sent for an ultrasound on the spot.   The tech said “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat”  I was in disbelief.  How, no, Why was this happening? Why was I losing another baby?  I was in the second trimester, wasn't that when I didn't have to worry about that anymore? And then the doctor tells me that I needed to go to the hospital to deliver the baby, at that stage of pregnancy the baby is too big for a D&C.  I didn't even know what to say to her. 

We scheduled to go in at 8am the next day, it didn't feel real.  As we were walking into labor and delivery I remember thinking to myself I should be walking in here to deliver my other baby, it was only days away from the due date of my first miscarriage.  Walking in I still didn't understand exactly what was going to happen, all the doctor said was I needed to deliver. I was having contractions already but I didn’t realize how much like a real birth it was going to be, I wasn't prepared mentally, then again, how could anyone really prepare for something like that.  I didn’t know there would be talks about if I wanted an epidural, iv’s, painful contractions, or that I would feel my water break, I didn’t know I would get the chance to hold my baby and know the gender.  I had no idea just what an intense, powerful, life-changing, heart-wrenching experience it would be. 

But I found out quickly.  I delivered my tiny little boy that morning, 4 3/4 inches, 2.2 oz.  The nurse asked if I wanted to hold him, of course I did, I had to see, I needed to, I had to cling to any memory I could possibly get of my son because after that there would be no new memories.  And so, I held him, in true amazement, counting his little fingers and toes, how could anyone not believe that an unborn child is a life?? The delivery went well but my placenta wasn't coming out despite the strong contractions and blood loss.  I was shaking, I started slipping out of it, my blood pressure dropped dangerously low…my body was going into shock…so they rushed me into surgery, put me to sleep and did an emergency D&C.  My husband said it was scary, they pushed him out of the room as I was turning white and my lips blue, but he said they came to update him as soon as they could.  Once the placenta was out I was fine.  I was so overwhelmed by the loss of my baby that what happened to me after didn’t seem like a big deal, I didn't have the space in my brain to worry about myself. 

They asked us if we had picked a name, we chose to use the boy name that had been on our list of baby names for years, the name we would have used also….had he lived. Trey Joshua.  The nurses made a beaded name bracelet for him, for me.  They put together a whole memory box, took pictures, wrapped him in a crochet blanket thing with ties and laid him on a little blanket in the bassinet in the room.  He was cremated and there will be a memorial service for all the babies lost during this time in May (which happens to take place at his due date).  I will forever be grateful for how they handled it, for the sympathy, they were so sensitive to the emotions I was having, but mostly I am grateful for the respect they had for the life lost.

They days afterward were awful.  I was drained physically, eyes puffy from so many tears.  My heart was broken, quite literally it seemed, for weeks it felt like someone was pushing on my chest, that intensity slowly lifted and now 3 months later it only comes back every now and then, but it does come back.   I think I will talk more on the days afterward in another post, for today I just felt the need to get my story, Trey’s story, out there…maybe it will help someone who can relate or maybe you have a friend going through a loss and it will help you have a better understanding for what they are going through.   I could go on and on about the suffering you go through when you lose a baby but today on the anniversary of 3 months since delivering Trey I want to celebrate his life, his precious, special oh so short life he had inside me.  Having a second trimester miscarriage is the worst thing I have ever been through…but I am so thankful for those extra weeks I got to carry him.