"He Heals the Brokenhearted...."

          I just want to write a quick post here about this morning and the past two weeks since Trey's memorial service. This morning was a very special service at church, along with honoring the Veterans for Memorial Day tomorrow, they also showed a special remembrance for the loved ones that the families at the church have lost over the past year.  The song they sang right before was beautiful, there was a very touching prayer said as those who have lost a family member stood and others reached out.  Then on the screens they showed pictures and names for all the loved ones who have passed.  We were honored and grateful to have Trey included in this, it means a lot to us when others recognize him as a life lost.  

 Things have been very busy around here, in good ways, right after the memorial (May 7th) the girls had dance recitals, we have spent times with friends, enjoyed parks and playdates, we have gone to the Museum and the Zoo, I have gotten to go out for "Mom's Night Out", we have been redecorating (painting, etc) our kitchen, all the fun activities have helped "distract" me from all the sadness that went along with the due date/Memorial service, and have helped with the "moving forward" aspect of it all.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3  

 

 

The MEMORIAL Service

             That heaviness has been lifted, not gone, but I do feel “lighter”.  The past couple weeks have been very emotional leading up to this day.  The closer I got to the due date the more it was sinking in that we could be/should be/would have been having our baby boy right now.  It is a coincidence, or possibly a God thing, that this memorial service happened to be held right at the due date for Trey.  This is a memorial service that Mercy Health puts together at Gate of Heaven cemetery once a year for all those bereaved parents like us who have lost a baby.  I am so thankful to them for the way they honor babies lost.  The way they treated me (and Trey) when I delivered, and the way they do this memorial service is just something I will forever be so appreciative of, seriously, words can not express it, I think going through this process would have been even that much harder without the love, kindness and acknowledgment of true life lost that they give.

We knew this day would be hard for us, we were looking forward to it and yet dreading it all at the same time.  It was very much needed though and I am already feeling better, more at peace.  Sometimes in order to feel better you just have to let all that emotion out, let yourself feel it, even when it really hurts.  My husband was saying that today, he is good at putting things into the back of his mind and not letting himself get too emotional but this morning as he wrote a note (about Trey) inside of a bible he got me he couldn’t stop his tears from flowing…he needed it too.  I am beyond grateful to have him.   

 
          There was a short service and prayer time, parents wrote messages to our babies and we placed the notes in a box that was put along side the ashes.  Individually each baby’s name was called and parents went up to light a candle and receive a flower.

  There was a “walk to remember” from the chapel to the Garden Mausoleum.  Getting to see his ashes being placed was very important to me. After the ashes were placed, they had us to a balloon release at the end.  I didn’t want to let go.  I guess that is the point of a balloon release, you need to let go…we let go together and watched our balloon until we couldn’t see it anymore.  It was a beautiful evening. 

    

Due date...after loss

May 6th, 2015:  Today is the due date that my ultrasound gave.  And tomorrow is the memorial service.   I have been a wreck.  Just so weepy and sad.  I should be delivering my baby boy right now.  It sucks.  My heart is hurting so bad, so much like it was in the beginning when the loss was fresh.  I had been doing better for a while but as the due date and memorial began to approach the feelings of loss and grief have really intensified.   

       I feel so alone. I have had friends text and ask how I am doing.  Many friends comment on Facebook saying that they are praying for me or thinking of me….so why do I feel so lonely?  I feel like no one understands and no one cares. (which I know isn't true, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it)  I remember feeling like this right after the loss and a friend said to me “that is the devil trying to get to you, don’t believe it!”  She was right, and sometimes it works. So thank you to those who reach out, I need it, probably more than you know.  
       But, the bottom line is: no one will love that baby as much as me, and no one can grieve this loss like me.  Not even my husband.  He has grieved over Trey, I know that, right after we lost him it was awful seeing my husband so torn up. And I know he loves him very much…but I am the mother, and nothing compares to the passion a mother feels for her baby.  So here I am sitting in bed sobbing.  

        I need healing and I think tomorrow will be healing.  I need this heavy weight lifted from my heart.  I need closure, if that is even the right word.  There are parts of me that have been almost looking forward to this memorial service (even though I am sure I will bawl my eyes out most of the time) because I so want to honor him, to celebrate his life, if that makes sense.  And to finalize it all, his ashes will officially be placed at the cemetery, the due date has finally come, so yeah I guess that is what I mean by the closure.  

Bereaved Mother's Day 2015

This is a really hard time for me right now,  I have already been in tears several times over the last few days and it’s only getting harder as May 7th approaches, this week is the week I was due with Trey…and not only that, the memorial service that Mercy does for bereaved parents is this Thursday.   This is when Trey’s ashes will be placed at Gate of Heaven cemetery.   Mercy does this memorial service once a year and this year it just happens to be right at my due date, which I am thankful for, it will be incredibly meaningful.  But, even that much more heart aching dealing with the emotions of his due date, as well as the mourning for him at the memorial, and the mixed emotions

of Mothers Day.  So basically I will probably be an emotional mess most of the week…....But I will honoring Trey this week and even though it makes me hurt, it's important.

   

 Not too long ago I saw through a Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss page on Facebook that the Sunday before Mother’s Day is (for those who wish to observe it) International Bereaved Mother’s Day.  As soon as I saw that I thought Wow that’s perfect,  I love having two separate days to celebrate me as a mother of babies in heaven and then me as a mother to my children here on earth.  I hadn’t heard of “ Bereaved Mothers Day” last year and that Mothers Day was hard because I wanted to focus on my kids I have here but then I also wanted to acknowledge my baby who was not with us (but to whom I was also a mother). 

  It’s hard to find the right balance between joy & grief for stuff like that. So this year, and from now on, I will celebrate this "Bereaved Mother’s Day" the Sunday before Mothers day as a day I get to focus on me being a mother of two babies that are not here on earth for me to hold or for everyone else to see and acknowledge but that are so much a part of me and my heart.  Praying today for all the Mothers out there who also have babies in heaven instead of their arms.