It does get easier

Journal entry: March 28th, 2015 Saturday 11:00p.m.

For some reason I am feeling all upset and in tears right now…probably PMS related…but just got overwhelmed with emotion.

I just feel like my babies are being forgotten. 

I look at my little corner by my bed with my willow tree statues, my items that have “Jamie & Trey” embroidered on them, bears, journals, memory boxes, etc. & it feels like- this is all thats left of them.  In a couple of years probably no one will even remember about my lost babies, except me and close family.  Life is moving on- even, it feels like I am moving on at times- I still think of them everyday, but not as intensely as before….and I feel guilty about that.   And then there are times like now when I am crying my eyes out over them.  I don’t want my babies to be forgotten!!  I don’t know why, seemingly out of no where, I’ve got myself all upset.  I guess it’s just the normal process of it all, waves of intense emotion.  

I’ve been doing pretty good lately, actually- because really, I know I have to, I have no choice.  I have a responsibility as a wife and mother to choose joy in the life- in spite of the losses.  To not dwell on it.  To look at, and be thankful for, all I DO have, which is so many blessings.  And so, I have kept going and have found that it does get easier with time….THANK GOD.

I still have my broken-hearted-weeping moments(and there are dates coming up that I know will be hard) but afterward I can lay it back down and keep going, not forget about it, but see it (the loss,  grief, the pain) for what it is- part of my life story- not the story I wanted- but it is for a purpose, and the story is not over, it can be redeemed.  Beauty for ashes.  Joy for mourning. Praise for heaviness. 

Isaiah 61

  

Deciding if I am ready to conceive after a miscarriage

Trusting God

  I almost titled this "Deciding if you are ready to conceive after a miscarriage"  but then I realized that I am not trying to give anyone advice on how they should feel about it (getting pregnant after a loss) I am just sharing the thoughts and emotions that have been going through my head recently.  It is a very personal topic, it takes a lot of prayer to try to figure out what the "right" thing is to do, or not do.

       The question of whether or not to try for another baby is a BIG decision for anyone,  but it’s really a HUGE question for someone who has experienced a loss.  And I had two losses back to back last year.  At my postpartum visit after delivering Trey (my 2nd trimester miscarriage), my doctor told me that she saw no reason why I wouldn’t be able to go on to have a healthy pregnancy and baby next time.  She said “We know your body can make healthy babies, go into the next one full of that confidence”.  At that time I wasn’t able to seriously think about another baby because I was still grieving the loss of Trey so much, but coming from a doctor, what she said meant a lot to me.

      I knew for one thing that I didn’t want to end it like that, I couldn't fathom the thought of my “child-bearing” years ending so….tragically, so devastating.   As soon as you get pregnant, at least for me, you start to imagine your family with another one (not just a baby, but a little person with their own little personality and characteristics, someone that once they are here you can’t imagine life without them), and that didn't go away when I lost the baby.   I constantly feel like someone is missing.  So even right afterward I knew that sometime in the future I would want to at least try to have another....I say try because I can't just say have another...what if it's not God's will for us to have another?  If that is the case then I want Him to show me that...not my fear to prevent it. 

    It took me a couple months to even be able to think about another pregnancy, another baby.  I couldn’t look forward to the future just yet, I wasn't ready to “move forward” from losing my baby, especially since it was the second loss.  I thought I was having my “rainbow baby” when I got pregnant with Trey, I HAD been able to move forward and think about the next one when I got pregnant with him after my loss (first trimester loss) several months before that. 

     So, it just took a little longer this time around.  To be honest, I thought it might take longer, a new pregnancy will not take the place of the babies I lost but I have felt God telling me that it's ok to open my heart to the idea of another, and that in itself helps the healing process.

    I knew I was getting closer to being ready to at least let that possibility happen when I came across a piece of maternity clothing and instead of crying, I thought “oh, hopefully I will be wearing this again”…I was starting to be able to look to the future with hope, instead of focusing on the past in pain…it was a big step for me. 

   I admit it can be very scary.  As much as I want to be pregnant again, my innocence is lost, or maybe crushed is the better word….I want so much to go into the next pregnancy with confidence, hope, peace…and there are days that I think I can and will.  But there are days when the anxiety and fear get the best of me and I question myself…question can we trust Him with this???  My answer has to be YES, otherwise…what is the point of life?  I can’t live in fear, there are a million things one can be afraid of or worry about everyday if we let ourselves, and we just can't live like that.  I have to trust that God is going to take care of me and I have learned that the best thing for me is to just leave it to Him.  

   Will I get pregnant this month? Next month? Next year? Never again?  I don't know.  But now when someone asks me if we are going to have anymore kids (and I get that question often) I can confidently say “It’s up to God”, because let’s be honest, a big thing I have learned from all this is that we can certainly can’t plan things…there are women, like me, who have suffered losses, women that deal with the heartache of infertility, women who get pregnant even while on birth control….so really does anyone but God ever know for sure what the future is going to hold?? 

Miscarriage, First Trimester Loss...my story

   I have written a lot about my second trimester miscarriage , but as it approaches one year since my first miscarriage, a first trimester loss, I am feeling the need to write about that.  It is probably relatable to more people as well, it is sad to realize just how many people have experienced an early pregnancy loss.  

   I was 8 weeks along when our baby passed away, there was a heartbeat at one ultrasound and 5 days later no longer a heartbeat at the next ultrasound.  I started spotting when I was close to 7 weeks, so I knew something was wrong, I had never had any spotting in any other pregnancy, but when I called the doctors office they tried to assure me that spotting can be normal in early pregnancy and I was put on modified “bed rest” until my appointment a few days later.  At my appointment everything seemed ok, I was still spotting but my levels were high and at the ultrasound I got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat, I was so relieved.  I had a lot of people praying for me during that time and I was excited to tell them after my appointment: “YAY!  There’s a heartbeat! Things are looking good!”  But the next day I was feeling very crampy, then the next day I had period like bleeding, I remember thinking, “I am pregnant, I shouldn’t have to go buy pads!” 

     That was on the weekend, my next appointment was Tuesday for checking blood levels to make sure they were rising since I was still bleeding.  When I arrived at the office they already had my result from the lab, as the nurse said my number I immediately started crying, at first she didn't understand, the number was still high, but then she looked at my chart and saw that it had dropped from a few days earlier, I knew I had lost the baby.  They sent me for another ultrasound which confirmed it, there was now no heartbeat.  I wasn’t completely shocked, I knew the bleeding I was having was not right.  I had been praying for a miracle though.  My doctor told me that since I was already bleeding that I shouldn’t have a problem letting the miscarriage happen naturally instead of getting a D&C, so I chose that.  I had no idea it would take so long.  I went in once a week to get my blood drawn…for weeks and weeks…I had bruises on my arms from it. ( when it was all said and done I had my blood taken 12 times in 3 months)

  For the next few weeks I couldn’t focus on anything, I cried everyday.  When I had found out I was pregnant the thought that I could lose the baby didn't even cross my mind, I always had such a positive/optimistic view of pregnancy before.  I hate that that was taken from me.  I feel like I was so naive to not realize how common miscarriage is.  I think there are also people that don’t realize just how heartbreaking and life-changing even an early loss can be.  It is so devastating no matter how far along you are.  It’s all those thoughts of what could have been, but will never be.

   Waiting to actually pass the baby was so so hard, I knew my body was still carrying around him/her, I even still had pregnancy symptoms on and off, my bleeding had slowed to just spotting, I had no idea when it was going to actually “happen” or if it already happened and I somehow missed it.  My body was wanting to hold on to the baby as long as it could.  

        About a month later (from when I found out I was having a miscarriage) I had to go get a wisdom tooth pulled, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, it started hurting really bad and I was afraid it was messing up my teeth.  It was the Friday after Mother’s Day, I called an oral surgeon and they were able to get me in right away, luckily my brother was off school that day and was able to come over and watch the kids.  So I went by myself and told them to just numb me and pull it out, I couldn’t be put to sleep because I had driven myself plus it would have cost more money.  Afterward as I was walking into Meijer for my prescription  (face swollen, numb,  & starting to get very painful) I, all of a sudden, started gushing blood, and passing big clots…it was awful.  Luckily I was right by the bathroom. I went home right away and had more of the same, I didn't actually see the baby, the toilet was full of blood but I had “plops” as I passed big “things” which I could only assume was my baby. (I know it’s gross to talk about it, but honestly there will be people that need to know what happens, or can happen, during a miscarriage so I’m not going to sugar coat it)  I cried and cried.  I called my doctor and the nurse said it sounds like I had just passed the baby but to come in and get checked.  They ended up giving me a prescription that would help my uterus contract, I guess to just help finish it up.  I believe I had a missed miscarriage where it took my body awhile (almost 5 weeks) to register that the baby was no longer alive and was (my body) still acting like I was pregnant for that month or so in between the baby passing away and me passing the baby.   I spend that weekend in bed, a physical and emotional wreck.  

   My levels still took over a month to get all the way down after that, but I was getting use to going, I was almost afraid for it to end, it’s so weird but it was like it was the last thing tying me to the pregnancy, to my baby, and I wasn't ready to “move on”.  I think God knew I needed it to take so long, I needed to emotionally come to terms with it before I was ready to get my normal cycles back and stuff.  The day the nurse called and said my levels were low enough and that I didn’t have to go back I was very emotional.  My thoughts were “It’s finished…so now what??”  I didn’t have much time to process that because the next day I started bleeding a lot, the nurse said I was having my first period afterward, and it was awful! Big clots, contraction like cramps.  I was not expecting that. 

   Right when we found out we lost the baby I wanted to pick a name, I wanted it to be a name that could be used for a boy or a girl since we didn't know, although I have always felt it was a boy.  We chose Jamie Cameron. Jamie as a nickname for James which was my grandpa’s name and my husbands dad and grandpa’s name. And Cameron because my dad’s initials were C.A.M and also my son one day mentioned wanting to name the baby that.  I think naming the baby helps a lot in the healing process.  It helps being able to refer to the baby by name instead of “it”, my kids talk often of the two babies we lost and always use their names, it is comforting.  They will not be forgotten.  

   I had been writing in a journal about everything and a couple weeks after it was all done made a list of ways I could see how it all changed me and also a list of what I was thankful for afterward, this is what I wrote:

I am more passionate.

More emotional.

More grateful.

More in awe of life. 

Less optimistic.

Less likely to try to plan the future.

Cry easily.

Pray more.

Don’t care as much about the little things, but at the same time it’s the little things that really get to me.

I am Thankful.

Thankful I got pregnant in the first place.

Thankful that I felt pregnant. 

Thankful that I rejoiced and praise God when I found out was pregnant.

Thankful that I got to see/hear baby Jamie’s heartbeat when he/she was still alive.

Thankful that I have a baby in heaven that is waiting for me.   

   It was hard to get to the place of peace with it, it didn’t come right away, to be honest I was angry at God, I didn’t want to pray, I was confused, I just hurt so much; but overtime after turning to the scripture I was able to find that peace you get when you just lay it all down and then trust Him that what you are going through is His plan and He will get you through.  

Just thankful for the nice weather...

Ahh, finally some nice weather!!  It is early March, this winter has been rough, with all snow and frigid temps we have been stuck in the house too much.  This week the kids and I have done a lot of things that we haven't done in months: taking walks, playing outside with scooters, running errands.  I hate taking all the kids out in the winter so we typically avoid going anywhere that we don’t have to, it has been great to just get out and enjoy it.  Things don’t feel like a hassle when it’s nice outside!  

     On Monday, besides going to all the dance classes we went to Kroger, Great Clips, Dollar Tree, and the library, all walking distance from where the girls take dance.  We also went into the post office so that my older two girls could mail letters to South Dakota and California, requesting information on Mount Rushmore and Redwood National Park.  Yesterday we walked about a mile around our neighborhood and played outside, met a new neighbor, then I walked for almost an 1 1/2 hours during dance in the evening (when usually I would be sitting on my butt inside!).  Today we met a friend for lunch and then walked to Target from there to get dance tights, I love being able to walk between places instead of having to get everyone in and out of the van.  Came home and played outside, for the record half of the kids can beat me in a race!  This evening when my husband worked late I had to take all the kids to dance rehearsal for 2 of the girls but it was no big deal because we just went outside and the kids ran around (vs if it was a week ago it would have been freezing cold with snow on the ground, I would have had to bundle everyone up, and then try to keep them entertained and somewhat quiet inside the building).  

It’s amazing how much the weather affects everything, at least for me.  I plan on taking advantage of anytime it is nice out this spring, we have very cold winters and very hot summers around here so it makes me (and the kids) just even more thankful for days like this.  The nice weather and sunshine is making my soul happy.  I have desperately need it! 

She kept saying to everyone: "Don't step on my shadow!"

Trying to ride her brother's scooter.

The snow is melting!!

He is getting his shoes all muddy!

Can't believe this little girl will be 3 next month!

She still likes being carried in the Ergo, sometimes, it burns twice as much calories when you take a walk with an almost 3 year on your back, right?! 

Finding Your Homeschooling Style

Unschooling vs structured curriculum vs Charlotte Mason vs eclectic vs Classical (etc.) styles always seem to be a topic discussed among homeschoolers, it’s especially the question of new homeschoolers who haven’t found their groove yet.  I touched on this topic in my previous post about year-round schooling but I figured I would do a separate post on it.   It’s something I enjoy talking about with others, I love to hear the different learning philosophies among the homeschooling community. 

When we first started out homeschooling my oldest was 4, she was very mature for her age and very ready for kindergarten. ( I feel it’s necessary to point out here that my 4 year old right now is no where near ready to be doing what she was doing at 4, EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT) But anyway, because it was our first year, I was still very new to the whole idea of homeschooling in general so we went with a very much school-at-home type approach, with a very structured curriculum (A Beka) that worked for us for less than 2 years or so before I realized 1. It wasn't going to work well for us as we added more children 2. She was at the end of first grade and not liking school time any more  3. I was spending too much prep time 4. That made for a stressed mama.  I am not saying that A Beka is not a good curriculum at all, I was very impressed with how she was reading by the end of the phonics lessons, and we still use A Beka readers as supplements, I think it is a great company, it just wasn't for us and didn't fit well with my more relaxed/free thinking.  I started researching unschooling and also the Charlotte Mason approach and both of those resonated with me and my way of thinking. 

  We took a year of basically doing unschooling (child-led learning, we didn’t use a curriculum), we learned about Laura Ingalls, about whatever animals my daughter was interested in, studied Egypt, did a lot of art, etc.  It was great but at the same time I missed the feeling of accomplishment of completing an official grade or level, my daughter could feel that lack as well, she likes to do things in her own way but she also likes to check things off and see her progress on paper.  Around that time I had a friend tell me about My Father’s World, I really liked what I saw of it, it seemed to be a curriculum that used much of Charlotte Mason (living books vs textbooks, narration, short lessons with afternoons free to play & explore, teaching a love of knowledge instead of grades) ideas, so we decided to try it for the next year.  My daughter just loved it, she looked forward to it everyday.  

She has been using My Father’s World (it covers science, history, geography, literature, bible, art and music appreciation, then gives suggestions for language arts & math, which we use most of their recommendations for language arts) for several years now and still really likes it, just the other day we were talking about how she is about 7 weeks away from finishing her 6th grade year with MFW and she says “When are you going to order my 7th grade stuff? I can’t wait to get it!”  I love that she has found something that works so well for her, she takes the teacher manual and sees what it says to do for the week and does it at her own schedule.  There are things we omit, things we add, I like that even though it is a boxed curriculum we can still have freedom with it. 

This year my 3rd grader has the most eclectic pieced together “curriculum”of any of the kids, she has done some of the MFW with my oldest, she has read through all the A Beka readers, including the science, history, health & manners, etc.   She reads a ton on all different subjects.  My plan is to have her do MFW fully next year but we will see, she does well with a more unstructured approach.  She does well with the child-led learning and it’s fun to hear about what interests her, recently she has wanted to learn about India, volcanos, elephants, and sharks!

My first grader has spent part of the year working through her math, doing lessons from The Reading Lesson, writing verses for handwriting practice, etc. and then part of the year doing MFW First Grade program, which we are working on now and will finish sometime this summer.  I really like the MFW 1st grade, but one of the reasons we took some time off of it with her this year was that she was struggling with reading and I didn't just want to push through it when she wasn’t ready for some of the phonics parts. 

My kindergartener did most of the MFW K program last year with his sister but wasn't quite ready for 1st this year so basically just does A LOT of playing with his 4 year old brother!  He does “school” sometimes but usually only when he asks.  

Math is something my husband feels strongly that the kids need a solid foundation in so we do use a curriculum for that with all the kids school aged. (Math-U-See)  We also have Life of Fred math which I really like and would fit more into my ideals but I respect my husbands opinion on the math so Life of Fred is used as just a supplement.  What I do like about Math-U-See is that the children know what to expect, each lesson is set up basically the same way.  I also like the video lessons that they watch and there is no prep-work for me.  They think the blocks are cool!  We have been using Math-U-See for years now, I let them go at their own pace, if it’s getting frustrating we take a step back to review and take our time.  When it’s easy I let them work as quickly as they want. Each book/level is basically a grade but we have taken only 6 months to complete one or even up to 18 months to finish one.  What matters is that they (individually) are moving forward (at any pace) and understanding what is being taught.  

If I am being honest, this school year has been a struggle for me, the “school year” started out with me having awful morning sickness that lasted like 2 1/2 months, followed by losing the baby, then the holidays, so there were many, many days when “school” was the last thing I could focus on.  Luckily, my two oldest were able to continue with most of what they do because they just have a good flow going of knowing what is expected, as well as what they want to get accomplished.  And the more unstructured approach worked well during those hard times, we did things when we could, we let go of things that we could and through the process they all continued to learn and grow in their own ways.

      If you are new to homeschooling I encourage you to be flexible and give yourself permission to relax a little.  You will find what style works best for you and your family, and it’s ok if it’s not the same as your friends.  Change it up if you start feeling burned out.  Listen to your heart. Pray about it. Pay attention to how your kids are responding.  Be willing to try something new if what you are doing just isn’t working anymore.  Life happens, not all seasons look the same, some years of homeschooling will look different than others.  I love this quote from Educating the Whole-Hearted Child by Clay and Sally Clarkson “Your home can and should be a warm, vibrant place where your children love to learn as freely and as naturally as they love to play.”  That is a pretty good overall goal to have.