Due date...after loss

May 6th, 2015:  Today is the due date that my ultrasound gave.  And tomorrow is the memorial service.   I have been a wreck.  Just so weepy and sad.  I should be delivering my baby boy right now.  It sucks.  My heart is hurting so bad, so much like it was in the beginning when the loss was fresh.  I had been doing better for a while but as the due date and memorial began to approach the feelings of loss and grief have really intensified.   

       I feel so alone. I have had friends text and ask how I am doing.  Many friends comment on Facebook saying that they are praying for me or thinking of me….so why do I feel so lonely?  I feel like no one understands and no one cares. (which I know isn't true, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it)  I remember feeling like this right after the loss and a friend said to me “that is the devil trying to get to you, don’t believe it!”  She was right, and sometimes it works. So thank you to those who reach out, I need it, probably more than you know.  
       But, the bottom line is: no one will love that baby as much as me, and no one can grieve this loss like me.  Not even my husband.  He has grieved over Trey, I know that, right after we lost him it was awful seeing my husband so torn up. And I know he loves him very much…but I am the mother, and nothing compares to the passion a mother feels for her baby.  So here I am sitting in bed sobbing.  

        I need healing and I think tomorrow will be healing.  I need this heavy weight lifted from my heart.  I need closure, if that is even the right word.  There are parts of me that have been almost looking forward to this memorial service (even though I am sure I will bawl my eyes out most of the time) because I so want to honor him, to celebrate his life, if that makes sense.  And to finalize it all, his ashes will officially be placed at the cemetery, the due date has finally come, so yeah I guess that is what I mean by the closure.