NEW YEAR'S EVE!

A look back at 2015…

I feel like 2015 went by quickly for me.  It was a good year.  With how hard 2014 was, I didn't know what to expect with 2015, and I am so happy/relieved/grateful with how this year as turned out. 

Christmas just passed and I often thought back to the holiday season last year (2014), about how difficult it was, how I would have to fake a smile to get through, how much grief I was in…I was afraid all of my holiday’s would feel like that…But this one was so much different than last, thank goodness!  It’s amazing how much can change in a year, good or bad.

I have felt so much joy this holiday season.  I have been able to have fun with the kids doing holiday things without that weight of sorrow and clouds over me like last year and I am so thankful for that.  And having this baby boy moving all around inside me through this season is just an extra reminder of how truly blessed we are, it never gets old feeling your baby move and I can’t help but smile every single time I feel him (which is very often)!

I love my round "baby bump" in this picture of my cousin and I.

Looking back at 2015 it wasn't a super eventful year besides this pregnancy (which to me is huge!), there are some key events that stand out…like all the kids birthdays, sometimes it still amazes me how old they are all getting…Trey’s memorial in May…finding out I am pregnant right before my birthday in August…weekend trip to Pittsburg to visit friends at halloween…finding out this baby is boy (and doing great!)…anniversary of Trey’s delivery in November, our 13 year wedding anniversary the next day…and then my husband being off work the last two weeks of this year for Christmas and New year’s and how nice it’s been with all us being together.  Even though not a lot of big events happened in 2015, it was made up of many, many wonderful small moments which turns out is what can make the biggest impact.

Looking forward to 2016, I don’t have a whole lot of goals or resolutions this year (I actually wrote a post about this for another blog I write for that will be published in a week or two).  Being pregnant obviously I’m not making any weight loss goals like I probably normally would.  I usually make reading goals, which I still am, but I’m only planning what I want to read up to April because after the baby is born I’m not sure how my reading time will change (I read over 60 books this past year!).  

* updated to add the link to the blog post I wrote about making time to read in the new year, 
https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2016/01/08

This year, as usual, I want to try to be intentional with my time, meet some homeschooling goals, complete some projects/improvements around the house, simplify more, but mostly this coming year I am just looking forward to baby Dylan being born, our family growing and just soaking all that in.

Thank you to everyone who has read my blog over this past year, it started out as a way to get out my story of losing my babies and to reach others going through that but I feel like it’s turned into even more, I love having a place to share what God is doing in our lives, it’s like He is using me to show that hard things can be redeemed, like even though we have had to go through a lot of heartbreak we also have so many prayers that have been answered.  My faith was tested and shaken a lot in 2014, “For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.” James 1:3, but in 2015 it definitely grew stronger than ever before.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!   

20 WEEKS!

Wow, halfway already!?!

Finally, I thought it'd take forever to get to this point!

Both of those exclamations have gone through my mind this week as I am officially halfway through this pregnancy.  But mostly what comes to mind is...

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! PRAISE GOD!

I love having the obvious baby bump, a lady that didn't even really know me came up to rub my belly yesterday, that's when you know you look pregnant instead of just that you gained a bunch of weight! YAY! HA!

So, I had my "big, 20 week" ultrasound yesterday, baby was moving around showing off his hands and feet, I love it!  He was measuring exactly where he should be, which was so awesome to hear.  

I saw my doctor right after the ultrasound and she said he looks great, everything looks perfect....except one little tiny thing.  He had what they call a "bright spot" on/in his heart, which has been considered a marker for Down Syndrome. (the ultrasound tech spent extra time looking at his heart from several angles before she was happy with the images she got so I wasn't completely surprised for the doctor to say something about his heart)  BUT, it is only one minor marker, he has none of the 15 major markers, so she, my doctor, in no way thinks that he has Downs.  It's just something to be aware of and I will have another ultrasound around 28 weeks.

We went through something similar with my now 3 year old at her 20 week ultrasound,  except her spots where on her brain, and by the time I had the next ultrasound they were completely gone and she was perfectly fine.  Having a positive experience with something like this already helps keep any worries that creep up in check.

Truthfully, even though I know he will be fine and that this really isn't a big deal, I was still upset.  I mean you just want to hear that your baby looks perfect. Period.  Instead of hearing, yeah he looks great, except....

It just took away a bit of that excited, happiness that I wanted to feel right after the ultrasound.  But I do feel it now, the relief I wanted to feel afterward, cause other than that he looked so good!! I just needed to get a good cry out and then I just accepted it.  It is what it is.  Which really is pretty much probably like 99.9% totally nothing.

And actually, I'm very thankful, it could have been something much much worse, if there was going to be an "except" in my doctors words, I am so glad it is something like this instead of a million other things that could be "wrong".

Plus, on the bright side I get have another ultrasound and see my baby again in 8 weeks!

  

Homeschooling in December

Over the weekend I sat down to figure out what I wanted our homeschooling during this holiday season to look like, I also needed to write a post for Me Too Moments For Moms, for I ended up combining those two tasks.

When I sat down I wasn't sure what I wanted us to do this December, should we focus mostly on school? Mostly on Christmas?  

As I began to write and list the things I DID want to include this holiday season it became clear to me that focusing mostly on the things/activities/crafts/etc that brought us to the real meaning of Christmas is how we should spend most of the next few weeks.

Oh, we are still getting some schoolwork done, but on the days when our Christmas related activities take up most of the day we won't be stressed to get schoolwork done too.  And there are a lot of holiday things we can do that can incorporate many subjects as well. 

Head over to /homeschooling-during-the-holidays-by-shannon-mangicaro/ to see more of the ideas of what I want to do with the kids this holiday season instead of just our regular curriculum, I would love to hear what you are doing too!

Dealing with loss...one year later

It’s hard to believe a whole year has gone by since the day I delivered Trey.  I think about him every single day, that is one thing that hasn't changed.  But my grief has changed a lot.  I am at peace with it, for the most part, so when I think of him it’s in a loving way (like I think of all my children) not usually in a sorrowful way, at least not nearly what it was like right after we lost him. 

But today is hard, even the past few days I’ve been crying easily at the thought of today.   November 19th, 2014 was the worst day of my life, I’m not going to go into the details in this post since it’s all in my-2nd-trimester-loss, and honestly I just can’t do it right now, I’ve shed enough tears today.  

And I don’t want today to be all about tears, even though it brings me to tears thinking of that day, I want today to also just be for remembrance, for a celebration of a life. I bet he’s had a great year in heaven. 

It is also very bittersweet, my heart is hurting badly for Trey right now, and yet I am filled with joy over the baby boy growing inside me.  One can not take the place of another and each of them has a very unique place in my heart, but it is healing to be expecting another baby and for things to be going so well. 

My husband was able to take the morning off work so that we could all go to the cemetery together, and at home before we left we lit a candle in remembrance and he prayed with the kids.  It was a sweet time as a family.

He will always be in our hearts no matter how many years it has been.

In this picture is the memory box that the hospital put together for us, the Remembrance Willow Tree, the blanket I got last Christmas time with Jamie and Trey's names on it, and the bible that Brian gave me the day of Trey's memorial.  That day he wrote a very touching note inside and this morning he wrote another one, it is so special to me to have his words and his feelings written inside.  He gave me permission to share a section of what he wrote this morning:
"November 19th, 2015    A year ago today I met my third son. A precious little buddy.  My boy. I love him deeply as he rests with the Father.  We miss him. I long to see him again.  I am a better man for knowing him.  But I wish he were here with us.  His family loves him.  We will never forget, he was so tiny, but his meaning so big.  So much to us he meant.  Our lives he touched..."

I love how he put it: He was so tiny, but his meaning so big

Advent with Kids...connecting with community-moms blog!

I want to share with you guys the post I wrote for Me Too Moments For Moms, it's about what we have done in the past couple years to celebrate the season of Christmas with the kids.

The season is coming up fast!  All the stores have Christmas Tree displays set up and Christmas music is playing on some radio stations!  I haven't gone that far yet, but I have started Christmas shopping already and even wrapped a few gifts! (my plan is to NOT wait Christmas Eve to wrap everything this year!)

Now is a great time to be planning for Advent with your kids, you can begin collecting some supplies you might want to use (books, craft stuff, baking staples, etc) to be ready for December 1st!  As I talk about in my post, I like to do something Christmas related everyday December 1st through the 24th to make our countdown to Christmas fun and memorable.

Just last week my sister-in-law, nephew, and my mom came over for lunch and a craft time.  My sister-in-law found the idea (thanks, Pinterest) to make big felt Christmas Tree's and felt ornaments for little ones to take on and off for play.  We made over 25 ornaments per tree (we made a tree for her house and our house) so I was thinking of putting numbers 1-25 on them and incorporating them in our countdown, I haven't figured out exactly how I want to do that yet but it was a fun project.

I also recently came across a Jesse Tree ornament set that we will use this year as we go through Ann Voskamp's book Unwrapping The Greatest Gift again.  You will see in my post that we just used ornaments I had printed up and the kids had colored last year.

We have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season and I plan on making the most out of it!  Please head on over to communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/11/17/advent-activities-with-kids/ to check out more ideas!

I MADE IT! (pregnancy after loss)

I made it! Passed 16 weeks that is, passed the time we found out we lost Trey.  I have been hoping and praying to be about to write a post like this!

Today I went for an ultrasound, I have been wanting so badly to SEE the baby again.   I've still been going to the doctor every week to hear the heartbeat and I've started to feel some little movements but there's nothing as reassuring as seeing your little baby moving around inside, seeing their hands and legs, watching that heart flicker....ahhhhhh, it was wonderful!

What was really cool was that Brian, all the kids, and my mom got to come too.  The kids thought it was really neat seeing their baby brother kicking on the big screen....that's right, I said BROTHER.  There were cheers around the room when the ultrasound tech announced "IT'S A BOY!!!!!"

We went shopping afterward and I let them pick out a few things for him.  I love how they are so excited!

It's hard to even explain how relieved I am to see the baby looking so good.  This pregnancy has been an emotional and sometimes hard, scary road so far for me and I am not even half way though.  But I do feel like the hardest part is behind me.  

Making it passed the point of loss in the last pregnancy is a HUGE deal for me, pregnancy after loss is not easy!!  It's easy to say "just have faith"and "just trust God" but it's harder to put that into practice ALL the time, especially when the anxiety, worry, and fears can all of a sudden be consuming at times.   I don't know if everyone realizes just how traumatic an experience of having a second trimester loss is,  I've been pretty open about it, and for the most part I think people can see how awful it was.....But no one else is in my head, they don't see those images I have of delivering a baby that has died, they don't carry with them the moment I was told "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat"...those memories don't go away and unfortunately it can make the next pregnancy very scary.  

Mostly, I have felt God's comfort in this and I certainly feel the prayers surrounding me, but I'd be lying if I said I've had total faith and trusted completely 100% of the time in this pregnancy.  I have shed many tears in my fears, but each time I got to that low point I just prayed harder and reminded myself to give it to God, He's got this is what I had to tell myself many many times.  

I am so thankful to be sitting here typing this feeling little kicks within from my son, my rainbow baby...this little one is so precious to me.  Every one of my babies were wanted, loved from the beginning and celebrated but after all the pain of loss and then the waiting and praying to get pregnant again there is something just so special about this baby...I have a feeling we are all going to spoil this baby just a little bit extra! 

Hands Free Mama

Sometimes you read a book that really sticks with you, that's how I feel about Hands Free Mama and Hands Free Life by Rachel Stafford, she reminds us of the need to constantly be intentional with our time, especially when it comes to our children. 

Stopping to look them in the eye when they are telling you something.

Choosing playing with them Legos over folding laundry. 

Walking slowly together to look at God's creation instead of always rushing.

She reminds us that it's the little the things that can count the most in the eyes of a child. 

Please check out my latest post on the community moms blog living-intentional-hands-free-mama.

Thanks!!

Dealing with Fears in Pregnancy After Loss

As most of you know I am pregnant with baby #9, after losing #7 & 8.  I wanted to give a bit of an update on the pregnancy as well as share some of the anxieties that have been going on in me because I know that many people deal with fears in pregnancy.

I started out the pregnancy filled with a lot of peace and confidence and most of the time I am still feeling like that EXCEPT…

Recently it’s getting a bit harder to not worry or have any fears. 

I am 11 weeks along and as the second trimester is coming up most people would have their fears of loss lessened at that point, but for me its only intensifying.

Although I have also had a first trimester loss I wasn't fearful of that with this pregnancy, God gave me that peace I needed.  I am trusting that He will do the same in the upcoming months of the pregnancy, I feel like I need to be in constant prayer, not just for the health of the baby but for peace and comfort for myself.  I need it! 

These fears just keep creeping in bringing tears to my eyes, I DON’T WANT TO LOSE ANOTHER BABY LIKE I LOST TREY.  Given what I have been through, I know its perfectly normal to be scared of another loss, BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE AFRAID, I’m fighting these feelings hard!  Because it’s not fair…I should be able to enjoy this pregnancy and plan for my baby just as much as someone who hasn't had a loss does.   And I am, we’ve talked about names, discussed which kind of “big” van to get, about how I will change our homeschool routine for a while when the baby comes, daydream about just holding and snuggling my baby, etc.  Despite the fact that there are no guarantees, I chose hope.  

So when I start to feel anxious I just pray, it’s really that simple, and it helps drive those fears away.  I wish the fears didn't come at all, but when they do I know I have somewhere to turn.  “He will cover you with his feathers.  He will shelter you with his wings.  His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” Psalm 91: 4, actually that whole chapter is really good.

Today I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat again at my doctors appointment, such a beautiful sound! For the next couple months I will be going to the doctor weekly to hear the heartbeat and I am so thankful for that.  I know that as I get closer to the 16 week mark where I found out I lost Trey I will probably keep getting more emotional and I know the anxiety will be at it’s strongest, I’m only human, but I will keep relying on the Lord to bring me peace as quickly as those fears come.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you are in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 6-7

Morning sickness!!

The pregnancy is going well, I got to see my little one on the ultrasound about a week and a half ago and according to those measurements that puts me at 9 weeks along tomorrow! 

I am counting down the weeks and days until this morning sickness starts easing up a bit (usually around 12-13 weeks for me) but at the same time I am SO THANKFUL for these symptoms!  I write more about it over at Me Too Moments For Moms praising-god-through-morning-sickness-by-shannon-mangicaro

Back-to-Homeschool: What Our New School Year Has Looked Like So Far

We officially started our new homeschool year about a month and a half ago…we haven’t made a whole lot of progress but we have had a lot of fun.  It is still summertime (end of August) so I am pretty relaxed about our school routines.  We like to get a head start on the new school year and typically work year around at least somewhat, but having fun with friends or getting outside when the weather is nice still trumps "schoolwork" every time! 

I will start out by admitting the NOT-so-good:

-Our first experiment (4th grader, but all kids involved) of the new year was a FAIL…the second one turned out better though!

-We have already fought over math (7th grade math is no joke!). 

-2nd grader gets discouraged over reading.  She really wants to read well and loves books but it just hasn't totally clicked for her.

-1st grader & Kindergartener still just want to play all day and haven't done a whole lot of “schoolwork” yet. (they are s-l-o-w-l-y easing into it ;)

This school year will be a work in progress but overall I think it will go well, maybe (ok, definitely) not completely smoothly, but I’m sure they will learn a lot! 

What IS going well: 

-My two oldest girls are working on a lot of history and bible together this year.  

-We are getting everyone involved with our science experiments which is fun!  

-We are doing a “Lego club” where another homeschool mom is putting together educational activities involving legos twice a month, all the kids are enjoying this!

-My preschooler can't get enough of her preschool stuff and asks to do it on nights and weekends too!

-My oldest boy (first grader) loves math!  That is when I can pry him away from his legos and ninja turtles long enough to do it!  Good news here is that usually if I wait for him to say he wants to do it then he will go a head and do a bunch of pages at once, so I kinda let him decide when he does it.  Plus he uses math in a lot of ways that doesn't involve a math book.

-My 7th grader often gets a jump start on her school work before everyone else has even had breakfast if she knows we have a busy day ahead of us, I like that she uses her time wisely.

What I am liking so far for our school year is just the flexibly.  We have had days where we spent hours inside at our school tables (usually those are the rainy days!) but then we also have days where we have spent hours at the museum, zoo, creek, and parks. It has been a good balance.  

Life has also been busy with doctor’s appointments, story times with friends, running errands, morning sickness, etc. No day is the same as the one before, we are getting our schoolwork in when we can and not stressing about it when we can’t.  

We will work our way into more of a schedule/routine as the school year continues, at least that’s the plan!

Although we do use pieced together curriculums, I tend have a lot of “unschooling” tendencies and ideals in me. 

 (creek)

 (Zoo)

(Fossil park)

(creek)

 (Parky's Farm)

(bubbles!)

 (scooters at the skatepark) 

(Heritage Village)

Writing for a community of moms!

Recently I have had the opportunity to become one of the writers for Me Too Moments For Moms at https://communitymoms.wordpress.com.

I am so glad and grateful to announce that my first post published on there featured my story of Trey.  

I wanted to also share what Lisa Brown from the community wrote on Facebook as she shared my post:

"I want to give Shannon Mangicaro a big thanks for sharing her story with our Me Too Moments For Moms - Community For Moms - Shannon is one of our newest writers in our community and her desire is to encourage others. She shares with us a moment and time in her life that was the hardest time for her ever. In sharing her story, she hopes to help others. She shows through her words how precious life is. This post is dedicated to Trey her baby who is in Heaven. Thank you friend for being open and vulnerable. Thank you for glorifying God and showing us how every little baby matters no matter what age. Your are a beautiful person and we are blessed to have you in our community."

Lisa always has such kind and encouraging words to say and makes me be even more excited to be a part of their writing team! I felt it was important to start out my writing for them with that story, but I also look forward to writing about homeschooling, my new pregnancy, motherhood, etc. in the months to come for that community. 

I know most of you have read my second trimester loss story but if you get a moment I would love for you come on over to the community and not only check out my story (link here) there but also someone else’s, there are lot of great writers and a big variety of topics being featured.

Thanks everyone!

Baby On The Way!

A few days ago I got a very special early birthday present…I’m pregnant!  

It is super SUPER early but I can hardly contain my excitement!  

I know typically it's not very common to do a big announcement so early, but I don't care, I can't NOT talk about it. I want people to know, I want the prayers and the support.  I have been very open with our losses and with wanting to have another baby, so of course I am going to be open and want to write about getting pregnant again!  

I had an appointment with a maternal fetal medicine doctor Thursday afternoon, which happened to be right at when I would have been due to start my period so I took the test that morning so that I would know before the appointment.

I was quite shocked when it was positive!!!  We have been not preventing and/or/trying for 6 months and I had prepared myself for another negative test like the previous months.  It is hard to describe what I felt when I saw those two lines…

Excitement... I just had to jump up and down….eeeeekkkk!

Thankfulness…  I thank God more than anything for allowing me to get pregnant again. 

Relief…  I had been questioning if I would ever have the privilege to be pregnant again.

Peace…  I have so much peace in my heart with this pregnancy. I know God is in control and I believe we didn't get pregnant right away months ago because He was waiting for this specific time, this was His timing. 

Anticipation... Very much looking forward a new baby to love and grow our family!

Joy… My heart smiles at the thought of having a baby growing inside me.

It is pretty amazing how an extra line on a stick can change everything!

It is pretty amazing how something as small as a poppyseed can already change how you feel physically. I had been feeling exhausted and had increased appetite several days before I even tested.

So, I had my appt. that afternoon, the Dr. had me start taking a baby aspirin after seeing a slightly abnormal level with a blood-clotting thing (I don't know all the fancy names) according to the blood tests I had done in June.  Then she ordered several more blood tests to rule anything else out or to see if there are any other steps we need to take besides just the baby aspirin (and of course the prenatal vitamin I have already been taking) to make sure the doctors and I are doing everything we can for a healthy pregnancy.  I know, unfortunately too well, that there are no guarantees, BUT I am very confident in this pregnancy and in God's hand in this.  

As the happy reality is sinking in, along with morning sickness gearing up a bit already, I am just constantly thanking God.  When I pray, I pray for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, of course, but more than anything I pray to tell the Lord THANK YOU!

I would appreciate all your prayers during this pregnancy!  I will be giving many updates, I'm sure! 

Birthday gift from my mom :)
Cherish...Awaiting a Miracle