He protects

As, I guess, sort of a follow-up or a part 2 to my last post 4-reasons-i-want-another-baby-after-loss, I want to talk about the other side of it.  About this waiting game, about the chance of NOT being being able to have another. 

A few months after we lost Trey we decided it was time to put our trust in God about having another baby.  I wrote my post about deciding-if-i-am-ready-to-conceive after the loss around that time, and up until that point it had not taken more than 2 months for me to ever get pregnant. I remember saying to my husband "we can't just assume I'm going to get pregnant right away like before," but even as I said that I know I was thinking it would happen right away, I was wrong.

One of my prayers at this time was, Lord, please don’t allow me to get pregnant again if I’m going to lose the baby. 

Fast forward to now, 6 cycles later and still not pregnant, my initial reaction is disappointment, obviously.  And wondering if there’s something wrong with me now.  And then I start to feel unhopeful and close to giving up. This last time my husband said while trying to comfort me after another negative test “remember we have to have faith, that’s what this is about, it’s in God’s hands, it’s going to be His timing.”  I know you hear that all time, I know I have said that myself many times but as I was writing in my journal about another month of not getting pregnant…something occurred to me…

God is protecting me. That prayer I prayed months ago…He was listening.  

I think, just maybe, that I have not gotten pregnant yet because He has been protecting me from another loss.  When I said I would trust Him with this baby thing, it didn't just mean I would trust Him to provide for our family as it grows, I also meant I would trust Him to not allow me to get pregnant until the timing is right.  

God is protecting me. This disappointment, even tears, each month I am still not pregnant again is nothing compared to the devastation of losing another baby, He is protecting me from so much worse than this disappointment I feel now.   

So, what if that means we never have another? That could be a possibility I will have to face at some point. 

As much as I hate this waiting and the unknown. I know I should be thanking Him.  Sometimes He answers our prayers by not giving us what we want, right away or at all, because He knows what’s best for us and He knows the future and all those things we can't predict. 

Rejoice Always

Pray constantly.

Give thanks in everything,

for this is God's will for you 

in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

"Having hope will give you courage. You will be protected and will rest in safety." Job 11:18

***I dedicate this post to Trey Joshua Mangicaro….I never want to go through again what I went through losing you, but you have taught me so much and you were worth it all. I will hold you again baby boy.