"pictures and memories is all that remains"...losing my dad

It has been 10 years since my dad died.  To me, it was completely unexpected.  Looking back I should have seen the signs. I knew he had congestive heart failure, I honestly didn’t know it was going to kill him.  I was young, naive, I guess.  I really thought he was going to get better.  

It was a hot Monday, June 27, 2005, I had taken Kylie, my oldest daughter (almost 2 at the time), to a splash park then met my husband at work to go out and have lunch.  We were leaving McDonalds when I got the call from the police.  A friend of his couldn't get a hold of him and went over to my dad’s place (I can’t remember if they had plans or not) and when his friend saw his car there but couldn't get an answer at the door he called the police, who came, broke open the door and found him dead on the couch.  I got there right away, Brian dropped me off and took Kylie over to my mom’s house.  He was still on the couch when I walked in. 

I talked to my brother on the phone, he was out of town.  Part of me has wondered if my dad waited to die until my brother wasn't there, Brandon was living with him at the time and had he not been out of town he would have been the one to find him.  My uncle, Dale, my dad’s brother, came down and helped get a lock smith for the door that was broken and stayed until they took away my dad’s body. 

The next couple days were a blur.  I didn't have time to have the tearful breakdown I needed to have because I had to become the adult of the situation.   My brother, my husband (Brian) and I tore through his place looking for a will, and any other important documents we would need to know about. Went to his bank, had appointments with an attorney to begin working out the estate, made phone calls to his doctor, and went to plan his funeral.  That was the worst.  At age 21 I was in no way prepared to do all that, the guy at the funeral home looked at us and probably thought Don’t you guys have an adult with you?  Nope, it was me, my husband and my just turned 20 year old brother.

Father’s Day 2005 was the last time I saw my dad alive.  We went to out to eat, me, Brian, Kylie, Brandon & our dad.  I can’t pass that restaurant without thinking of him, I haven't been to there since.  And I really don't like Father’s Day.  I hate it.  There I said it. I feel bad for saying that cause it’s not fair to my husband, step-dad, father-in-law, and all the other fathers I know out there. I try to just focus on my husband and what a wonderful dad he is to our kids instead of thinking about the fact that I don’t have my dad anymore, but I still get emotional on Father’s Day, sentimental, still cry, not nearly as much as in the beginning though.  I am lucky to have a step-dad who treats me like a daughter. I am lucky to have a father-in-law who is proud of his son and our family.  I am lucky to have Brian as the father of our children and who has been such a strength to me through everything, he lost his mother when he was 15, when I lost my dad he already knew what it was like to lose a parent.  

Last year on Father’s Day I remember feeling the loss extra hard, that was shortly after my first miscarriage and all those emotions and feelings of loss and grief from that were right on the surface and reminded me of those same feelings I had when I lost my dad.  Just a couple weeks before that I had a friend from high school lose her dad, I left a post for her on Facebook, just what was on my heart for her as I heard about her dad. We don’t know each other super well but when you see someone is going through something that you have been through then your heart just hurts for them in a unique way.  A couple days later she sent me a message saying that out of all the things that people had said to her over that last week that my post was the one thing that continued to be on her mind and that she was able to get through her Father’s memorial with a sense of peace that she wouldn't have had before.   Wow.  I can’t remember now what exactly I said, all I know is that I wouldn’t have had those words to say if I hadn’t been a daughter who lost her father as well or if I hadn’t let God comfort me in that situation.  There is something humbling in the knowing that God can use us through our trials to comfort others.  It wasn’t me that helped my friend that day, it was God using me.  

It is hard to understand why things happen, I don't know why my dad didn’t have more time on earth and get to see all his grandkids growing up.  But I do know that we can get through more than we think.  God can use those hard things that we go through in life to teach us things we couldn’t have learned otherwise, to allow us to help others in ways we couldn’t have otherwise, to make us who we are meant to be.

 

“sometimes it takes an absence to leave the nest so when your looking down you know where you’ll see me best,
 I’ll be standing in my backyard waiting for the rain and wash it all off till I’m wasting away

it’s a little too late while I’m rushing to your grave, give my whole life to be back in those days 
when pictures and memories is all that remains, 
held it all inside till I'm taken away

so give me one more chance and I’ll make it okay, give me one more night so I can find a better day”

 some of the lyrics from “Last Holiday” by Brandon Meyer (my brother) a song he wrote several years ago.

The Last Holiday

It seems like its the norm to be taken for a fool

all the people with the pull always pulling over wool

but they couldnt teach me neither could the tv

 a bonds God given, this will never be easy

when life as you know it, change to life unknown

try to make new friends with those years alone

still a hose, hard rain, but nothing left to grow

just a guitar and a voice that could barely hold a note

that would play and repeat all the good times we own

but would never forget all the bad times weve known

no, wait to be seated, when everythings closed

it was christmas night and we had no roast

wake me up in december cuz im ready for the snow

cuz hell is to home when its all that you know

I hear you have your things packed when its time to go

and to think i was out of town when i heard the phone ring...

the day i knew i would never have peace 

or really feel completion never the least

or less thats how i feel when i replay the reel

and find myseld locked in for the fire drill

And we never live long but we never let it matter

make the best of it all when you cant force a smile

we ride a fine line which is wavery at times

and get lost in the mix and its OK

cuz ive said it all never saying a word

it occurred theres no point if your points not heard

sometimes it takes an absence to leave the nest

so when your looking down you know where youll see me best

Ill be standing in my backyard waiting for the rain 

and wash it all off til im wasting away

Its a little too late while im rushing to your grave

give my whole life to be back in those days

when pictures and memories is all that remains

held it all inside til im taken away 

so give me one more chance and ill make it okay

give me one more night so i can find a better day

Ill be standing in my backyard waiting for the rain 

and wash it all off til im wasting away

Its a little too late while im rushing to your grave

give my whole life to be back in those days

when pictures and memories is all that remains

held it all inside til im taken away 

so give me one more chance and ill make it okay

give me one more night so i can find a better day

give me one more chance and ill make it okay

give me one more night so i can find a better day

the statement that was stated in the place of my replacement

of the basis of my makeup being blank, just a page up

from the dream that i have, where i die before i wake up

if i had my way with time,  for sure i would take it

and make it more make it better cuz you would always make it

but in the end.. our foundation was on pavement

just wish it wasnt true or maybe never wasted

when the sun & moon align you wont find me in the basement

Ill be standing in my backyard waiting for the rain 

its a little too late while im rushing to your grave

standing in my backyard waiting for the rain

standing in my backyard waiting for the rain

its a little too late while im rushing to your grave

song by Brandon Meyer