You Are Not Invisible

Building Cathedrals-You Are Not Invisible.

Our purpose as moms is far greater than we will ever be able to see right in front of us.

I came across this story reading a blogpost shared in a Facebook group I am a part of for moms that write blogs, it is a lot of fun connecting with other women who are "living out loud' and sharing our struggles, joys, ideas, encouragement, etc. with anyone who is interested in reading about it!  It gives a sense of community and the truth that you are not alone.

This particular post contained a story that I just had to share with you all because it really spoke to me. And I think it is so relatable to any mom out there, whether you are working mom or stay-at-home mom, whether you have one child or 10!  

We love our job as mom, we love our kids, we pour our lives into our families, and a lot of times we are so rewarded for it, the unconditional love we get in return from those precious little ones is priceless...

 But what about the days when we aren't feeling the love?  When all we feel is that we are pulled in a million directions, when we feel worn down, when we feel like we're not doing anything right (even though we are trying so hard to do everything right), when we feel like all we do is make meals, clean up messes, do laundry, and wipe butts! It's easy to feel like that job isn't very important in this world.

When we feel like nobody sees all the work we do as a mother...there is someone who sees it all....

The Invisible Woman by: Nicole Johnson
 

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. 

I'm invisible. 

The invisible Mom. 

 

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone! 

 

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a hair clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'   In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - 

we have no record of their names. 

These builders gave their whole lives- 

for a work they would never see finished. 

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. 

 

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied...

 

'Because God sees.' 

 

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. 

You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.' 

 

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. 

 

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.' As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

This story is an excerpt from Nicole's Book The Invisible Woman: A Special Story for Mothers

 

Check out Nicole Johnson from Women of Faith doing her version of the Invisible Woman.

The Invisible Woman- Nicole Johnson

 

Yes, moms, our purpose is far greater than what we can see in front of us, we are building cathedrals and we didn't even know it:)

Special thanks to Elizabeth at www.christianworkingmama.blogspot.com for sharing this story with me.

He protects

As, I guess, sort of a follow-up or a part 2 to my last post 4-reasons-i-want-another-baby-after-loss, I want to talk about the other side of it.  About this waiting game, about the chance of NOT being being able to have another. 

A few months after we lost Trey we decided it was time to put our trust in God about having another baby.  I wrote my post about deciding-if-i-am-ready-to-conceive after the loss around that time, and up until that point it had not taken more than 2 months for me to ever get pregnant. I remember saying to my husband "we can't just assume I'm going to get pregnant right away like before," but even as I said that I know I was thinking it would happen right away, I was wrong.

One of my prayers at this time was, Lord, please don’t allow me to get pregnant again if I’m going to lose the baby. 

Fast forward to now, 6 cycles later and still not pregnant, my initial reaction is disappointment, obviously.  And wondering if there’s something wrong with me now.  And then I start to feel unhopeful and close to giving up. This last time my husband said while trying to comfort me after another negative test “remember we have to have faith, that’s what this is about, it’s in God’s hands, it’s going to be His timing.”  I know you hear that all time, I know I have said that myself many times but as I was writing in my journal about another month of not getting pregnant…something occurred to me…

God is protecting me. That prayer I prayed months ago…He was listening.  

I think, just maybe, that I have not gotten pregnant yet because He has been protecting me from another loss.  When I said I would trust Him with this baby thing, it didn't just mean I would trust Him to provide for our family as it grows, I also meant I would trust Him to not allow me to get pregnant until the timing is right.  

God is protecting me. This disappointment, even tears, each month I am still not pregnant again is nothing compared to the devastation of losing another baby, He is protecting me from so much worse than this disappointment I feel now.   

So, what if that means we never have another? That could be a possibility I will have to face at some point. 

As much as I hate this waiting and the unknown. I know I should be thanking Him.  Sometimes He answers our prayers by not giving us what we want, right away or at all, because He knows what’s best for us and He knows the future and all those things we can't predict. 

Rejoice Always

Pray constantly.

Give thanks in everything,

for this is God's will for you 

in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

"Having hope will give you courage. You will be protected and will rest in safety." Job 11:18

***I dedicate this post to Trey Joshua Mangicaro….I never want to go through again what I went through losing you, but you have taught me so much and you were worth it all. I will hold you again baby boy.

4 Reasons I want another baby (after loss)

Why I want to try for another baby…

There was a time when nobody would be surprised to hear that I wanted another baby or that I was pregnant again, which for the record I am not at the moment.  But after having two losses back to back I feel like there are a lot of people who wouldn't understand me wanting to get pregnant again.  Everyone has different views and I would love to share mine on this subject with anyone who may wonder Why would she want to try for another baby? or maybe you are someone who thinks like me and likes to see that there are others that feel like that too! 

Reasons why others would think we shouldn’t have another baby:

*1. We already have 6 kids, who needs more?

*2. We lost two babies last year…why put ourselves through the chance of another loss?

*3. Our youngest is 3, out of diapers, and getting more independent, why would we want to go back to the baby stage when things are getting “easier”?

*4. Why would I want to put my body through a 9th pregnancy?

Reasons why I DO want to have another baby:

*1. Yes, we already have 6 kids, and I love it!  I love having a big family, I love how each one has their own unique personality, I can’t imagine not having a single one of them and it’s really cool to think that God might have another new little person that belongs in our family.  

*2. That’s a hard one, because I was pregnant twice last year that was two different times of us imagining our family with another one. Two periods of time where I dreamed of what our baby would add to our family, and just because we lost those babies doesn't mean that dreaming of another just went away. I still feel like we are missing someone. And, if I am being honest, I would really really love to not end my childbearing years with loss (I know that is ultimately out of my control) it’s just that when you have such a traumatic experience (read more about it that experience here) it can really taint all your feelings on pregnancy/babies, and I really want that optimism back that I had before. (maybe that’s not a good enough reason, but that’s how I feel)

Also, I know there is no guarantee that we won’t lose another…I know this…oh how I know this…BUT I am letting my faith be bigger than my fear.

*3. There was a time when we had 3 of our kids 2 1/2 and under. There was a time when 5 of them were 5 and under.  So, when you look at it that way then the thought of just having one baby and the rest of the kids being bigger seems almost too easy!  :) I am sort of joking…trust me, I know how much work a baby is…but having just one that would need a crib, diapers, stroller, etc instead of couple at once would be a big difference. 

*4. I loved being pregnant…there is just something so magical, so special about it.  Even all the morning sickness, feeling like crap, throwing up, constant state of exhaustion, just reminded me that there was a little baby growing inside and it made me so thankful.  I know all the pregnancies have taken a toll on my body, inside and out, but it has all been worth it.  Even the babies we lost, even the awful, awful morning sickness I had with Trey and then lost him, still, I don’t wish that he never existed. I am thankful for that time I had with him inside me and how much I felt pregnant.  Each pregnancy is different and precious in its own way, no matter how many you've had.

So there ya go, my reasons why I would be so excited to have the opportunity to be pregnant again.  I have seen my doctor recently and she doesn't see any reason why we wouldn’t be able to go on to have a healthy baby even after our losses. She did a bunch of blood work, which all came back normal, and I talked to her about another test (that she doesn't feel like I need done, but one that a friend has suggested to me after her losses) so she has referred me to the maternal fetal medicine office (high risk doctor) to discuss with them if anymore testing should be done.  

  In the past we have always gotten pregnant so easily, we have never really had to try…I hate how that sounds now…there are so many couples that struggle with infertility that it doesn't seem fair that others get pregnant without thinking about it, or even while preventing.  I use to take for granted how easy it happened for us.  But after going through several months now of it not happening for us, I am more thankful for all those times when we got pregnant so easily, and I have more of a empathetic heart for those whom it doesn't happen for so easily/quickly.  Always lessons to be learned. 

 Only God knows what the future has in store for our family….I will keep my readers posted:)