Deciding if I am ready to conceive after a miscarriage

Trusting God

  I almost titled this "Deciding if you are ready to conceive after a miscarriage"  but then I realized that I am not trying to give anyone advice on how they should feel about it (getting pregnant after a loss) I am just sharing the thoughts and emotions that have been going through my head recently.  It is a very personal topic, it takes a lot of prayer to try to figure out what the "right" thing is to do, or not do.

       The question of whether or not to try for another baby is a BIG decision for anyone,  but it’s really a HUGE question for someone who has experienced a loss.  And I had two losses back to back last year.  At my postpartum visit after delivering Trey (my 2nd trimester miscarriage), my doctor told me that she saw no reason why I wouldn’t be able to go on to have a healthy pregnancy and baby next time.  She said “We know your body can make healthy babies, go into the next one full of that confidence”.  At that time I wasn’t able to seriously think about another baby because I was still grieving the loss of Trey so much, but coming from a doctor, what she said meant a lot to me.

      I knew for one thing that I didn’t want to end it like that, I couldn't fathom the thought of my “child-bearing” years ending so….tragically, so devastating.   As soon as you get pregnant, at least for me, you start to imagine your family with another one (not just a baby, but a little person with their own little personality and characteristics, someone that once they are here you can’t imagine life without them), and that didn't go away when I lost the baby.   I constantly feel like someone is missing.  So even right afterward I knew that sometime in the future I would want to at least try to have another....I say try because I can't just say have another...what if it's not God's will for us to have another?  If that is the case then I want Him to show me that...not my fear to prevent it. 

    It took me a couple months to even be able to think about another pregnancy, another baby.  I couldn’t look forward to the future just yet, I wasn't ready to “move forward” from losing my baby, especially since it was the second loss.  I thought I was having my “rainbow baby” when I got pregnant with Trey, I HAD been able to move forward and think about the next one when I got pregnant with him after my loss (first trimester loss) several months before that. 

     So, it just took a little longer this time around.  To be honest, I thought it might take longer, a new pregnancy will not take the place of the babies I lost but I have felt God telling me that it's ok to open my heart to the idea of another, and that in itself helps the healing process.

    I knew I was getting closer to being ready to at least let that possibility happen when I came across a piece of maternity clothing and instead of crying, I thought “oh, hopefully I will be wearing this again”…I was starting to be able to look to the future with hope, instead of focusing on the past in pain…it was a big step for me. 

   I admit it can be very scary.  As much as I want to be pregnant again, my innocence is lost, or maybe crushed is the better word….I want so much to go into the next pregnancy with confidence, hope, peace…and there are days that I think I can and will.  But there are days when the anxiety and fear get the best of me and I question myself…question can we trust Him with this???  My answer has to be YES, otherwise…what is the point of life?  I can’t live in fear, there are a million things one can be afraid of or worry about everyday if we let ourselves, and we just can't live like that.  I have to trust that God is going to take care of me and I have learned that the best thing for me is to just leave it to Him.  

   Will I get pregnant this month? Next month? Next year? Never again?  I don't know.  But now when someone asks me if we are going to have anymore kids (and I get that question often) I can confidently say “It’s up to God”, because let’s be honest, a big thing I have learned from all this is that we can certainly can’t plan things…there are women, like me, who have suffered losses, women that deal with the heartache of infertility, women who get pregnant even while on birth control….so really does anyone but God ever know for sure what the future is going to hold??