Dealing with loss...one year later

It’s hard to believe a whole year has gone by since the day I delivered Trey.  I think about him every single day, that is one thing that hasn't changed.  But my grief has changed a lot.  I am at peace with it, for the most part, so when I think of him it’s in a loving way (like I think of all my children) not usually in a sorrowful way, at least not nearly what it was like right after we lost him. 

But today is hard, even the past few days I’ve been crying easily at the thought of today.   November 19th, 2014 was the worst day of my life, I’m not going to go into the details in this post since it’s all in my-2nd-trimester-loss, and honestly I just can’t do it right now, I’ve shed enough tears today.  

And I don’t want today to be all about tears, even though it brings me to tears thinking of that day, I want today to also just be for remembrance, for a celebration of a life. I bet he’s had a great year in heaven. 

It is also very bittersweet, my heart is hurting badly for Trey right now, and yet I am filled with joy over the baby boy growing inside me.  One can not take the place of another and each of them has a very unique place in my heart, but it is healing to be expecting another baby and for things to be going so well. 

My husband was able to take the morning off work so that we could all go to the cemetery together, and at home before we left we lit a candle in remembrance and he prayed with the kids.  It was a sweet time as a family.

He will always be in our hearts no matter how many years it has been.

In this picture is the memory box that the hospital put together for us, the Remembrance Willow Tree, the blanket I got last Christmas time with Jamie and Trey's names on it, and the bible that Brian gave me the day of Trey's memorial.  That day he wrote a very touching note inside and this morning he wrote another one, it is so special to me to have his words and his feelings written inside.  He gave me permission to share a section of what he wrote this morning:
"November 19th, 2015    A year ago today I met my third son. A precious little buddy.  My boy. I love him deeply as he rests with the Father.  We miss him. I long to see him again.  I am a better man for knowing him.  But I wish he were here with us.  His family loves him.  We will never forget, he was so tiny, but his meaning so big.  So much to us he meant.  Our lives he touched..."

I love how he put it: He was so tiny, but his meaning so big

Advent with Kids...connecting with community-moms blog!

I want to share with you guys the post I wrote for Me Too Moments For Moms, it's about what we have done in the past couple years to celebrate the season of Christmas with the kids.

The season is coming up fast!  All the stores have Christmas Tree displays set up and Christmas music is playing on some radio stations!  I haven't gone that far yet, but I have started Christmas shopping already and even wrapped a few gifts! (my plan is to NOT wait Christmas Eve to wrap everything this year!)

Now is a great time to be planning for Advent with your kids, you can begin collecting some supplies you might want to use (books, craft stuff, baking staples, etc) to be ready for December 1st!  As I talk about in my post, I like to do something Christmas related everyday December 1st through the 24th to make our countdown to Christmas fun and memorable.

Just last week my sister-in-law, nephew, and my mom came over for lunch and a craft time.  My sister-in-law found the idea (thanks, Pinterest) to make big felt Christmas Tree's and felt ornaments for little ones to take on and off for play.  We made over 25 ornaments per tree (we made a tree for her house and our house) so I was thinking of putting numbers 1-25 on them and incorporating them in our countdown, I haven't figured out exactly how I want to do that yet but it was a fun project.

I also recently came across a Jesse Tree ornament set that we will use this year as we go through Ann Voskamp's book Unwrapping The Greatest Gift again.  You will see in my post that we just used ornaments I had printed up and the kids had colored last year.

We have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season and I plan on making the most out of it!  Please head on over to communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/11/17/advent-activities-with-kids/ to check out more ideas!

I MADE IT! (pregnancy after loss)

I made it! Passed 16 weeks that is, passed the time we found out we lost Trey.  I have been hoping and praying to be about to write a post like this!

Today I went for an ultrasound, I have been wanting so badly to SEE the baby again.   I've still been going to the doctor every week to hear the heartbeat and I've started to feel some little movements but there's nothing as reassuring as seeing your little baby moving around inside, seeing their hands and legs, watching that heart flicker....ahhhhhh, it was wonderful!

What was really cool was that Brian, all the kids, and my mom got to come too.  The kids thought it was really neat seeing their baby brother kicking on the big screen....that's right, I said BROTHER.  There were cheers around the room when the ultrasound tech announced "IT'S A BOY!!!!!"

We went shopping afterward and I let them pick out a few things for him.  I love how they are so excited!

It's hard to even explain how relieved I am to see the baby looking so good.  This pregnancy has been an emotional and sometimes hard, scary road so far for me and I am not even half way though.  But I do feel like the hardest part is behind me.  

Making it passed the point of loss in the last pregnancy is a HUGE deal for me, pregnancy after loss is not easy!!  It's easy to say "just have faith"and "just trust God" but it's harder to put that into practice ALL the time, especially when the anxiety, worry, and fears can all of a sudden be consuming at times.   I don't know if everyone realizes just how traumatic an experience of having a second trimester loss is,  I've been pretty open about it, and for the most part I think people can see how awful it was.....But no one else is in my head, they don't see those images I have of delivering a baby that has died, they don't carry with them the moment I was told "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat"...those memories don't go away and unfortunately it can make the next pregnancy very scary.  

Mostly, I have felt God's comfort in this and I certainly feel the prayers surrounding me, but I'd be lying if I said I've had total faith and trusted completely 100% of the time in this pregnancy.  I have shed many tears in my fears, but each time I got to that low point I just prayed harder and reminded myself to give it to God, He's got this is what I had to tell myself many many times.  

I am so thankful to be sitting here typing this feeling little kicks within from my son, my rainbow baby...this little one is so precious to me.  Every one of my babies were wanted, loved from the beginning and celebrated but after all the pain of loss and then the waiting and praying to get pregnant again there is something just so special about this baby...I have a feeling we are all going to spoil this baby just a little bit extra!