Dealing with loss...one year later

It’s hard to believe a whole year has gone by since the day I delivered Trey.  I think about him every single day, that is one thing that hasn't changed.  But my grief has changed a lot.  I am at peace with it, for the most part, so when I think of him it’s in a loving way (like I think of all my children) not usually in a sorrowful way, at least not nearly what it was like right after we lost him. 

But today is hard, even the past few days I’ve been crying easily at the thought of today.   November 19th, 2014 was the worst day of my life, I’m not going to go into the details in this post since it’s all in my-2nd-trimester-loss, and honestly I just can’t do it right now, I’ve shed enough tears today.  

And I don’t want today to be all about tears, even though it brings me to tears thinking of that day, I want today to also just be for remembrance, for a celebration of a life. I bet he’s had a great year in heaven. 

It is also very bittersweet, my heart is hurting badly for Trey right now, and yet I am filled with joy over the baby boy growing inside me.  One can not take the place of another and each of them has a very unique place in my heart, but it is healing to be expecting another baby and for things to be going so well. 

My husband was able to take the morning off work so that we could all go to the cemetery together, and at home before we left we lit a candle in remembrance and he prayed with the kids.  It was a sweet time as a family.

He will always be in our hearts no matter how many years it has been.

In this picture is the memory box that the hospital put together for us, the Remembrance Willow Tree, the blanket I got last Christmas time with Jamie and Trey's names on it, and the bible that Brian gave me the day of Trey's memorial.  That day he wrote a very touching note inside and this morning he wrote another one, it is so special to me to have his words and his feelings written inside.  He gave me permission to share a section of what he wrote this morning:
"November 19th, 2015    A year ago today I met my third son. A precious little buddy.  My boy. I love him deeply as he rests with the Father.  We miss him. I long to see him again.  I am a better man for knowing him.  But I wish he were here with us.  His family loves him.  We will never forget, he was so tiny, but his meaning so big.  So much to us he meant.  Our lives he touched..."

I love how he put it: He was so tiny, but his meaning so big