I MADE IT! (pregnancy after loss)

I made it! Passed 16 weeks that is, passed the time we found out we lost Trey.  I have been hoping and praying to be about to write a post like this!

Today I went for an ultrasound, I have been wanting so badly to SEE the baby again.   I've still been going to the doctor every week to hear the heartbeat and I've started to feel some little movements but there's nothing as reassuring as seeing your little baby moving around inside, seeing their hands and legs, watching that heart flicker....ahhhhhh, it was wonderful!

What was really cool was that Brian, all the kids, and my mom got to come too.  The kids thought it was really neat seeing their baby brother kicking on the big screen....that's right, I said BROTHER.  There were cheers around the room when the ultrasound tech announced "IT'S A BOY!!!!!"

We went shopping afterward and I let them pick out a few things for him.  I love how they are so excited!

It's hard to even explain how relieved I am to see the baby looking so good.  This pregnancy has been an emotional and sometimes hard, scary road so far for me and I am not even half way though.  But I do feel like the hardest part is behind me.  

Making it passed the point of loss in the last pregnancy is a HUGE deal for me, pregnancy after loss is not easy!!  It's easy to say "just have faith"and "just trust God" but it's harder to put that into practice ALL the time, especially when the anxiety, worry, and fears can all of a sudden be consuming at times.   I don't know if everyone realizes just how traumatic an experience of having a second trimester loss is,  I've been pretty open about it, and for the most part I think people can see how awful it was.....But no one else is in my head, they don't see those images I have of delivering a baby that has died, they don't carry with them the moment I was told "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat"...those memories don't go away and unfortunately it can make the next pregnancy very scary.  

Mostly, I have felt God's comfort in this and I certainly feel the prayers surrounding me, but I'd be lying if I said I've had total faith and trusted completely 100% of the time in this pregnancy.  I have shed many tears in my fears, but each time I got to that low point I just prayed harder and reminded myself to give it to God, He's got this is what I had to tell myself many many times.  

I am so thankful to be sitting here typing this feeling little kicks within from my son, my rainbow baby...this little one is so precious to me.  Every one of my babies were wanted, loved from the beginning and celebrated but after all the pain of loss and then the waiting and praying to get pregnant again there is something just so special about this baby...I have a feeling we are all going to spoil this baby just a little bit extra! 

Hands Free Mama

Sometimes you read a book that really sticks with you, that's how I feel about Hands Free Mama and Hands Free Life by Rachel Stafford, she reminds us of the need to constantly be intentional with our time, especially when it comes to our children. 

Stopping to look them in the eye when they are telling you something.

Choosing playing with them Legos over folding laundry. 

Walking slowly together to look at God's creation instead of always rushing.

She reminds us that it's the little the things that can count the most in the eyes of a child. 

Please check out my latest post on the community moms blog living-intentional-hands-free-mama.

Thanks!!

Dealing with Fears in Pregnancy After Loss

As most of you know I am pregnant with baby #9, after losing #7 & 8.  I wanted to give a bit of an update on the pregnancy as well as share some of the anxieties that have been going on in me because I know that many people deal with fears in pregnancy.

I started out the pregnancy filled with a lot of peace and confidence and most of the time I am still feeling like that EXCEPT…

Recently it’s getting a bit harder to not worry or have any fears. 

I am 11 weeks along and as the second trimester is coming up most people would have their fears of loss lessened at that point, but for me its only intensifying.

Although I have also had a first trimester loss I wasn't fearful of that with this pregnancy, God gave me that peace I needed.  I am trusting that He will do the same in the upcoming months of the pregnancy, I feel like I need to be in constant prayer, not just for the health of the baby but for peace and comfort for myself.  I need it! 

These fears just keep creeping in bringing tears to my eyes, I DON’T WANT TO LOSE ANOTHER BABY LIKE I LOST TREY.  Given what I have been through, I know its perfectly normal to be scared of another loss, BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE AFRAID, I’m fighting these feelings hard!  Because it’s not fair…I should be able to enjoy this pregnancy and plan for my baby just as much as someone who hasn't had a loss does.   And I am, we’ve talked about names, discussed which kind of “big” van to get, about how I will change our homeschool routine for a while when the baby comes, daydream about just holding and snuggling my baby, etc.  Despite the fact that there are no guarantees, I chose hope.  

So when I start to feel anxious I just pray, it’s really that simple, and it helps drive those fears away.  I wish the fears didn't come at all, but when they do I know I have somewhere to turn.  “He will cover you with his feathers.  He will shelter you with his wings.  His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” Psalm 91: 4, actually that whole chapter is really good.

Today I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat again at my doctors appointment, such a beautiful sound! For the next couple months I will be going to the doctor weekly to hear the heartbeat and I am so thankful for that.  I know that as I get closer to the 16 week mark where I found out I lost Trey I will probably keep getting more emotional and I know the anxiety will be at it’s strongest, I’m only human, but I will keep relying on the Lord to bring me peace as quickly as those fears come.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you are in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 6-7

Morning sickness!!

The pregnancy is going well, I got to see my little one on the ultrasound about a week and a half ago and according to those measurements that puts me at 9 weeks along tomorrow! 

I am counting down the weeks and days until this morning sickness starts easing up a bit (usually around 12-13 weeks for me) but at the same time I am SO THANKFUL for these symptoms!  I write more about it over at Me Too Moments For Moms praising-god-through-morning-sickness-by-shannon-mangicaro

Back-to-Homeschool: What Our New School Year Has Looked Like So Far

We officially started our new homeschool year about a month and a half ago…we haven’t made a whole lot of progress but we have had a lot of fun.  It is still summertime (end of August) so I am pretty relaxed about our school routines.  We like to get a head start on the new school year and typically work year around at least somewhat, but having fun with friends or getting outside when the weather is nice still trumps "schoolwork" every time! 

I will start out by admitting the NOT-so-good:

-Our first experiment (4th grader, but all kids involved) of the new year was a FAIL…the second one turned out better though!

-We have already fought over math (7th grade math is no joke!). 

-2nd grader gets discouraged over reading.  She really wants to read well and loves books but it just hasn't totally clicked for her.

-1st grader & Kindergartener still just want to play all day and haven't done a whole lot of “schoolwork” yet. (they are s-l-o-w-l-y easing into it ;)

This school year will be a work in progress but overall I think it will go well, maybe (ok, definitely) not completely smoothly, but I’m sure they will learn a lot! 

What IS going well: 

-My two oldest girls are working on a lot of history and bible together this year.  

-We are getting everyone involved with our science experiments which is fun!  

-We are doing a “Lego club” where another homeschool mom is putting together educational activities involving legos twice a month, all the kids are enjoying this!

-My preschooler can't get enough of her preschool stuff and asks to do it on nights and weekends too!

-My oldest boy (first grader) loves math!  That is when I can pry him away from his legos and ninja turtles long enough to do it!  Good news here is that usually if I wait for him to say he wants to do it then he will go a head and do a bunch of pages at once, so I kinda let him decide when he does it.  Plus he uses math in a lot of ways that doesn't involve a math book.

-My 7th grader often gets a jump start on her school work before everyone else has even had breakfast if she knows we have a busy day ahead of us, I like that she uses her time wisely.

What I am liking so far for our school year is just the flexibly.  We have had days where we spent hours inside at our school tables (usually those are the rainy days!) but then we also have days where we have spent hours at the museum, zoo, creek, and parks. It has been a good balance.  

Life has also been busy with doctor’s appointments, story times with friends, running errands, morning sickness, etc. No day is the same as the one before, we are getting our schoolwork in when we can and not stressing about it when we can’t.  

We will work our way into more of a schedule/routine as the school year continues, at least that’s the plan!

Although we do use pieced together curriculums, I tend have a lot of “unschooling” tendencies and ideals in me. 

 (creek)

 (Zoo)

(Fossil park)

(creek)

 (Parky's Farm)

(bubbles!)

 (scooters at the skatepark) 

(Heritage Village)

Writing for a community of moms!

Recently I have had the opportunity to become one of the writers for Me Too Moments For Moms at https://communitymoms.wordpress.com.

I am so glad and grateful to announce that my first post published on there featured my story of Trey.  

I wanted to also share what Lisa Brown from the community wrote on Facebook as she shared my post:

"I want to give Shannon Mangicaro a big thanks for sharing her story with our Me Too Moments For Moms - Community For Moms - Shannon is one of our newest writers in our community and her desire is to encourage others. She shares with us a moment and time in her life that was the hardest time for her ever. In sharing her story, she hopes to help others. She shows through her words how precious life is. This post is dedicated to Trey her baby who is in Heaven. Thank you friend for being open and vulnerable. Thank you for glorifying God and showing us how every little baby matters no matter what age. Your are a beautiful person and we are blessed to have you in our community."

Lisa always has such kind and encouraging words to say and makes me be even more excited to be a part of their writing team! I felt it was important to start out my writing for them with that story, but I also look forward to writing about homeschooling, my new pregnancy, motherhood, etc. in the months to come for that community. 

I know most of you have read my second trimester loss story but if you get a moment I would love for you come on over to the community and not only check out my story (link here) there but also someone else’s, there are lot of great writers and a big variety of topics being featured.

Thanks everyone!

Baby On The Way!

A few days ago I got a very special early birthday present…I’m pregnant!  

It is super SUPER early but I can hardly contain my excitement!  

I know typically it's not very common to do a big announcement so early, but I don't care, I can't NOT talk about it. I want people to know, I want the prayers and the support.  I have been very open with our losses and with wanting to have another baby, so of course I am going to be open and want to write about getting pregnant again!  

I had an appointment with a maternal fetal medicine doctor Thursday afternoon, which happened to be right at when I would have been due to start my period so I took the test that morning so that I would know before the appointment.

I was quite shocked when it was positive!!!  We have been not preventing and/or/trying for 6 months and I had prepared myself for another negative test like the previous months.  It is hard to describe what I felt when I saw those two lines…

Excitement... I just had to jump up and down….eeeeekkkk!

Thankfulness…  I thank God more than anything for allowing me to get pregnant again. 

Relief…  I had been questioning if I would ever have the privilege to be pregnant again.

Peace…  I have so much peace in my heart with this pregnancy. I know God is in control and I believe we didn't get pregnant right away months ago because He was waiting for this specific time, this was His timing. 

Anticipation... Very much looking forward a new baby to love and grow our family!

Joy… My heart smiles at the thought of having a baby growing inside me.

It is pretty amazing how an extra line on a stick can change everything!

It is pretty amazing how something as small as a poppyseed can already change how you feel physically. I had been feeling exhausted and had increased appetite several days before I even tested.

So, I had my appt. that afternoon, the Dr. had me start taking a baby aspirin after seeing a slightly abnormal level with a blood-clotting thing (I don't know all the fancy names) according to the blood tests I had done in June.  Then she ordered several more blood tests to rule anything else out or to see if there are any other steps we need to take besides just the baby aspirin (and of course the prenatal vitamin I have already been taking) to make sure the doctors and I are doing everything we can for a healthy pregnancy.  I know, unfortunately too well, that there are no guarantees, BUT I am very confident in this pregnancy and in God's hand in this.  

As the happy reality is sinking in, along with morning sickness gearing up a bit already, I am just constantly thanking God.  When I pray, I pray for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, of course, but more than anything I pray to tell the Lord THANK YOU!

I would appreciate all your prayers during this pregnancy!  I will be giving many updates, I'm sure! 

Birthday gift from my mom :)
Cherish...Awaiting a Miracle