It does get easier

Journal entry: March 28th, 2015 Saturday 11:00p.m.

For some reason I am feeling all upset and in tears right now…probably PMS related…but just got overwhelmed with emotion.

I just feel like my babies are being forgotten. 

I look at my little corner by my bed with my willow tree statues, my items that have “Jamie & Trey” embroidered on them, bears, journals, memory boxes, etc. & it feels like- this is all thats left of them.  In a couple of years probably no one will even remember about my lost babies, except me and close family.  Life is moving on- even, it feels like I am moving on at times- I still think of them everyday, but not as intensely as before….and I feel guilty about that.   And then there are times like now when I am crying my eyes out over them.  I don’t want my babies to be forgotten!!  I don’t know why, seemingly out of no where, I’ve got myself all upset.  I guess it’s just the normal process of it all, waves of intense emotion.  

I’ve been doing pretty good lately, actually- because really, I know I have to, I have no choice.  I have a responsibility as a wife and mother to choose joy in the life- in spite of the losses.  To not dwell on it.  To look at, and be thankful for, all I DO have, which is so many blessings.  And so, I have kept going and have found that it does get easier with time….THANK GOD.

I still have my broken-hearted-weeping moments(and there are dates coming up that I know will be hard) but afterward I can lay it back down and keep going, not forget about it, but see it (the loss,  grief, the pain) for what it is- part of my life story- not the story I wanted- but it is for a purpose, and the story is not over, it can be redeemed.  Beauty for ashes.  Joy for mourning. Praise for heaviness. 

Isaiah 61