"He Heals the Brokenhearted...."

          I just want to write a quick post here about this morning and the past two weeks since Trey's memorial service. This morning was a very special service at church, along with honoring the Veterans for Memorial Day tomorrow, they also showed a special remembrance for the loved ones that the families at the church have lost over the past year.  The song they sang right before was beautiful, there was a very touching prayer said as those who have lost a family member stood and others reached out.  Then on the screens they showed pictures and names for all the loved ones who have passed.  We were honored and grateful to have Trey included in this, it means a lot to us when others recognize him as a life lost.  

 Things have been very busy around here, in good ways, right after the memorial (May 7th) the girls had dance recitals, we have spent times with friends, enjoyed parks and playdates, we have gone to the Museum and the Zoo, I have gotten to go out for "Mom's Night Out", we have been redecorating (painting, etc) our kitchen, all the fun activities have helped "distract" me from all the sadness that went along with the due date/Memorial service, and have helped with the "moving forward" aspect of it all.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3  

 

 

The MEMORIAL Service

             That heaviness has been lifted, not gone, but I do feel “lighter”.  The past couple weeks have been very emotional leading up to this day.  The closer I got to the due date the more it was sinking in that we could be/should be/would have been having our baby boy right now.  It is a coincidence, or possibly a God thing, that this memorial service happened to be held right at the due date for Trey.  This is a memorial service that Mercy Health puts together at Gate of Heaven cemetery once a year for all those bereaved parents like us who have lost a baby.  I am so thankful to them for the way they honor babies lost.  The way they treated me (and Trey) when I delivered, and the way they do this memorial service is just something I will forever be so appreciative of, seriously, words can not express it, I think going through this process would have been even that much harder without the love, kindness and acknowledgment of true life lost that they give.

We knew this day would be hard for us, we were looking forward to it and yet dreading it all at the same time.  It was very much needed though and I am already feeling better, more at peace.  Sometimes in order to feel better you just have to let all that emotion out, let yourself feel it, even when it really hurts.  My husband was saying that today, he is good at putting things into the back of his mind and not letting himself get too emotional but this morning as he wrote a note (about Trey) inside of a bible he got me he couldn’t stop his tears from flowing…he needed it too.  I am beyond grateful to have him.   

 
          There was a short service and prayer time, parents wrote messages to our babies and we placed the notes in a box that was put along side the ashes.  Individually each baby’s name was called and parents went up to light a candle and receive a flower.

  There was a “walk to remember” from the chapel to the Garden Mausoleum.  Getting to see his ashes being placed was very important to me. After the ashes were placed, they had us to a balloon release at the end.  I didn’t want to let go.  I guess that is the point of a balloon release, you need to let go…we let go together and watched our balloon until we couldn’t see it anymore.  It was a beautiful evening. 

    

Due date...after loss

May 6th, 2015:  Today is the due date that my ultrasound gave.  And tomorrow is the memorial service.   I have been a wreck.  Just so weepy and sad.  I should be delivering my baby boy right now.  It sucks.  My heart is hurting so bad, so much like it was in the beginning when the loss was fresh.  I had been doing better for a while but as the due date and memorial began to approach the feelings of loss and grief have really intensified.   

       I feel so alone. I have had friends text and ask how I am doing.  Many friends comment on Facebook saying that they are praying for me or thinking of me….so why do I feel so lonely?  I feel like no one understands and no one cares. (which I know isn't true, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it)  I remember feeling like this right after the loss and a friend said to me “that is the devil trying to get to you, don’t believe it!”  She was right, and sometimes it works. So thank you to those who reach out, I need it, probably more than you know.  
       But, the bottom line is: no one will love that baby as much as me, and no one can grieve this loss like me.  Not even my husband.  He has grieved over Trey, I know that, right after we lost him it was awful seeing my husband so torn up. And I know he loves him very much…but I am the mother, and nothing compares to the passion a mother feels for her baby.  So here I am sitting in bed sobbing.  

        I need healing and I think tomorrow will be healing.  I need this heavy weight lifted from my heart.  I need closure, if that is even the right word.  There are parts of me that have been almost looking forward to this memorial service (even though I am sure I will bawl my eyes out most of the time) because I so want to honor him, to celebrate his life, if that makes sense.  And to finalize it all, his ashes will officially be placed at the cemetery, the due date has finally come, so yeah I guess that is what I mean by the closure.  

Bereaved Mother's Day 2015

This is a really hard time for me right now,  I have already been in tears several times over the last few days and it’s only getting harder as May 7th approaches, this week is the week I was due with Trey…and not only that, the memorial service that Mercy does for bereaved parents is this Thursday.   This is when Trey’s ashes will be placed at Gate of Heaven cemetery.   Mercy does this memorial service once a year and this year it just happens to be right at my due date, which I am thankful for, it will be incredibly meaningful.  But, even that much more heart aching dealing with the emotions of his due date, as well as the mourning for him at the memorial, and the mixed emotions

of Mothers Day.  So basically I will probably be an emotional mess most of the week…....But I will honoring Trey this week and even though it makes me hurt, it's important.

   

 Not too long ago I saw through a Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss page on Facebook that the Sunday before Mother’s Day is (for those who wish to observe it) International Bereaved Mother’s Day.  As soon as I saw that I thought Wow that’s perfect,  I love having two separate days to celebrate me as a mother of babies in heaven and then me as a mother to my children here on earth.  I hadn’t heard of “ Bereaved Mothers Day” last year and that Mothers Day was hard because I wanted to focus on my kids I have here but then I also wanted to acknowledge my baby who was not with us (but to whom I was also a mother). 

  It’s hard to find the right balance between joy & grief for stuff like that. So this year, and from now on, I will celebrate this "Bereaved Mother’s Day" the Sunday before Mothers day as a day I get to focus on me being a mother of two babies that are not here on earth for me to hold or for everyone else to see and acknowledge but that are so much a part of me and my heart.  Praying today for all the Mothers out there who also have babies in heaven instead of their arms. 

My stage of Motherhood right now

My youngest turned 3 this week. I am not use to this…since I started having babies almost 12 years ago I have never had one turn 3 without me either being pregnant or having another baby (or two) already.   Life has slowly evolved into this new stage, but at the same time it happened so fast! There is no longer the need for 2 cribs, 2 highchairs, double stroller, etc. I was use to having two babies at all times for the most part (I have had babies as close as 12 months apart) and now I don't have any “babies”. 

Part of me is brought to tears as I pack away things, for the “just in case there’s another” hope.  But part of me is totally enjoying the freedoms that are coming from them being older.  No scheduling plans around naps, no diapers, they can all walk and talk and feed themselves, etc.  But they eat more! More of them are school age which can make homeschooling challenging at times. No more itty bitty baby snuggles.   Such mixed emotions!  

Another thing that is hard is that I when I think of my newly 3 year old little girl I don’t think my BABY is 3, because to me she is not the baby, yes, she is the “baby” here on earth but there were two after her that are “the babies” of the family.  So that just affects my emotions more when I think of the stage of motherhood I am in at the moment, makes it harder because it makes me think I should have a baby right now, I shouldn't be at this stage of no babies! but then also makes me even more grateful to have all these children that I do have and thankful they are growing up, healthy and strong. 

I met a mom at the park the other day that when I saw her I thought that was me a few years ago, she had 5 children all close together like mine, hers’ where all still so young/toddlers/babies, oh how I remember the days, how quickly those days have passed!  Mine are still fairly young, I know, but not like that.  How did I become a mother of big kids??!! I was so use to being the mother of babies and toddlers!

Big ones working on school work and little ones coloring (and eating treats) at the local coffee shop

  I have been looking back some pictures from several years ago seeing how much they all have grown, such precious memories, makes me feel so blessed!  They are pretty awesome no matter how old they are….hopefully I am still saying that when I have a houseful of teenagers in the future!  I think I calculated that at 2 different times we will have 5 teens a once! Fun times ahead, right?!   Love the stage you are in, it goes by so fast! And if you don’t love it, well, it doesn't last long anyway!   

My "12 month apart babies" 2009

 

Summertime 2010

Summertime 2011

Early fall 2012

The 3 year old!! 

No more strollers or baby carriers when we go outside, everyone can run around and play! 

One Year Anniversary-Miscarriage

Today is the one year anniversary of when our baby, who we named Jamie Cameron, went to heaven.  That baby will always be my baby #7 to me even if we do have any more here on earth.  So much has happened since April 12th last year, the whole rest of the year just got worse, there are still several dates coming up that will weigh heavy on my heart.  But today we chose to not dwell and be sad….I had my crying breakdown the night before last about it….today we just wanted to make special and spend time together.  

Brian and I were able to go out on a lunch date after church, it was so nice to be out just the two of us and enjoy alone time for a while.  We hadn't been on a “real” date out since November 23 which was Jamie’s due date (and only a couple days after losing Trey) so this date today was a lot…happier…filled much more with hope and fun instead of despair.   It is nice to do little things in remembrance or in memory of the babies for the special dates, very bittersweet.

  Yes, I am sad today, there has been just a few little tears, but overall I am choosing joy & thankful to have Brian with me through it all.  Thank you to all have been praying for us.

Our Easter 2015

     Happy Easter!

 It has been a nice weekend,  Easter is one of my favorite holidays,  celebrating Jesus being ALIVE.  Celebrating hope and springtime.  It is a good time to rest, sit back and look at what you have with thankfulness.  Oh, and I love Easter colors, they make for great scrapbook pictures:)  Yesterday I went to the salon with my grandma and got my hair done, low-lights, high-lights and trimmed, it was only the second time I had my hair professionally done like that and I love it!  

         Last night I had fun getting the kids Easter baskets ready for them.  They each got a few little things that they wanted like a book, hair accessories, small lego set, etc. and then some candy.  There are always issues with dividing up their candy, whose-whose and all that so now I divide it up ahead of time and use their initial to label their containers, so there's no question who it belongs to.

   Each kid got 3 containers in their basket.  (I also do it because I like to keep food in containers, and they have to leave it on the kitchen table after they get the baskets)  

I always like getting a picture of all the kids Easter baskets lined up together.  The baskets are special to me, my step-grandma made them all for each of their 1st Easters, except for the little one on the end that is for the babies we lost.  It was kind of like with the stockings at Christmas time, I couldn't stand the thought of having everyones lined up with their names on it and not also include the babies.

Inside the caddy is a little "care bear" that Benson found in his room a month or two ago and said "mommy can I give this to Jamie and Trey?"  He knows that he can't really "give" it to them, but I think he understands that things like that help represent them and that he hopes they can see that he is thinking of them.  It was very sweet.  Then this past week Vince got upset because he wanted to put something in their basket from him so he asked to me to make a little blanket for them. I crocheted it on good Friday and he put in their "basket" yesterday.  The other little bear is one we picked out so that there would be two bears in it for 2 babies. 

    I got up around 7a.m. to make coffee cake for breakfast, http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/double-streusel-coffee-cake The kids were already up and starting to get ready for church.  Since everyone was up and ready early we ended up doing Easter baskets before church.

 

 

I had originally thought we wouldn't have time do them first because a lot of times I don't get up and start getting ready for church until around 8, that extra hour made a big difference!  We also needed to be at church early because we were teaching in the 4 year old class, Benson was so happy that we were his teachers for Easter, and that we were bringing cookies for the class.  (and WOW what a rowdy class!  He has a great teacher that is in that class most of the time, she must have a lot of patience! Overall it went well though) And we left church with a huge bag of Hershey's Chocolate eggs (plus a gift card to Grater's ice cream) because Vince won a guessing game from last Sunday's church Easter family night!

     After church the kids just had fun hanging around the house finding Easter eggs I hid, playing with their new things and eating candy.  

I made lasagna for dinner and then we went on a family walk since it was just so nice outside.  We walked for well over an hour "exploring" the neighborhood and old golf course trail, even Cambree walked the whole time and didn't whine about her legs getting tired, I was impressed!  

 
I had moments of "awe" just watching all the kids having fun together and realizing just how big they are getting.  There are definitely times that I miss when they were younger but tonight I had a such an appreciation for the stage they are all at right now.