Saturday, February 28, 2015

Helping someone after a loss: my first week after 2nd trimester miscarriage: part 2

I wanted to do a second post about the first week after losing the baby (my second trimester miscarriage) to talk about what other people did that meant a lot to me during that time.   When someone is going through a devastating experience family and friends can really make a difference even if they don’t feel like they are.  No one can say or do anything that will take away the pain or even ease it really, but showing care and love through actions speaks volumes.  

Childcare:The first thing was watching my kids, knowing that my children were taken care of allowed me to fully let myself focus on what I needed to without having to worry about them.  My mom and step-dad kept the kids overnight the night before we went to the hospital.  My husband and I needed that alone time together as we began to process the fact that just that afternoon we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat and I would deliver the next day.  Then in the morning we were able to go straight to the hospital.
Helping with the kids activities was another big thing for me, I really wanted the girls to still be able to attend their activities and have that sense of normalcy during that time, my step-dad picked the girls up from their American Heritage Girls meeting that night, which was something they would have been disappointed to miss, but something that I just couldn't do.  My brother and sister-in-law then came over the day/evening of my delivery to help when the kids came home from my moms, my sister-in-law brought them pizza for dinner and took the girls to their dance classes.  It helped me knowing that they weren’t missing those things.  Their dance teacher had the class make me a card, then took my girls out for ice cream afterward and brought them home.   Making things a little brighter/giving them a little bit of fun during that time was a comfort for me as well. 

Presence:They (my brother and sister-in-law) were at my house when I got home from the hospital and it was nice just having their support there, as well as the helping hands. That was a Wednesday, my husband had to go to work Thursday and Friday (luckily he was able to take off the whole next week) so my sister-in-law came over and spend all day with me and the kids on Thursday, and my mom came over Friday morning and even went and got the kids McDonalds for lunch.  Those first days I probably wouldn’t have been able to make myself get out of bed if it wasn't for having them coming over, it showed their care for me as well as helping to distract the kids and make those days good for them. 

Meals:I had two friends come bring us dinner during that first week, and when you have 6 children to feed something like that is very much appreciated! I was very touched by that, most of my pain was emotional but I was definitely also still recovering physically so taking away the work of making a meal for our whole family was wonderful.  (also, after my first miscarriage I had an out of town friend mail a sweet card and a gift card to a restaurant, my husband was able to go pick-up carry-out for dinner one night which we were so grateful for, it came at a much needed time.  I wanted to add that as an idea in case you have someone far away from you that you still want to do something for)

Gifts: My mom knew how much my small “in memory of baby” necklace I had put together after our first loss meant to me, so as a special gift to me she (and my step-dad) paid for a new one, bigger that could be for both babies, I picked out the day after I delivered.  It is something that means so much to me, it has the initial for both of the babies we lost, birthstones, and special charms that represent them.  It is the one thing that I put on when I go out even if I don’t wear any other jewelry.  
Just a few days after delivery I got a surprise package in the mail, I was beyond touched to see that it was from one of my closest friends (who had already just brought us dinner the day before).  It was the Angel’s Embrace Willow Tree statue, I cried.  I absolutely love it, the meaning and thought behind it is so special to me and it is something I still look at everyday.  

Cards, calls, texts & messages: During that first week I wasn't able to return every single text or message right away, and yes sometimes they made me cry, but they also made me feel like people cared. (I specifically remember a long text from one of my out-of-state brothers that brought me to tears instantly, but it was so meaningful to me) Even getting the texts saying “Hey, I’ve been praying for you” or “I’m so sorry you are going through this” or even “How are you doing?” just showed me that that person cared and was thinking of me even if they didn’t know what to really say.   Cards are my favorite “messages” because it is something I put inside the memory box, I didn’t get many cards but the few I did get are very meaningful to me. 

I don’t have a good conclusion for this post other than I hope maybe it gives some one an idea on how to be a help to someone else, and to say that the things you do really do matter.  I will always remember what people did for me during that time. 

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