Thoughts, 12 weeks after losing my baby

Right after I lost baby Trey in November ( I was 16 weeks pregnant when we found out he had passed away and I delivered him on Nov. 19th…I plan to do a post sharing the story of each of the two losses pretty soon, when I have some real alone time and a box of tissues) I had a hard time going places and seeing people for the first time.  For a few weeks I avoided places like church or my girls dance classes because I couldn’t see anyone without bursting into tears, and when I went back for the first time it was really hard, there were many tears.  Part of it was the last  time I was here I was pregnant and part of it was talking to other people, I cried there when I talked about it or I cried at home if no one acknowledged it. 

Things got easier after the first time seeing people and first time going back to places I went while pregnant.  One place I haven’t been about to go back to without getting really emotional either there or afterward is the bible study that I started attending at the very beginning of the pregnancy. And I think that’s the big reason, I was already pregnant when it started, I associate going there with being pregnant.  Other than that though I thought I was ok now, as far as going out and getting back to our normal schedule. Its been just over 12 weeks. 

It happened again today though.  I was getting ready take the kids to the Homeschool Valentines Party and I realized that I hadn't seen anyone from the homeschooling group since the Halloween Party, held at the same place, when I was pregnant.  And I was suppose to be on a field trip at the Museum with our homeschool friends on the morning of Nov. 19th instead of at the hospital delivering my baby that was no longer alive.  

It’s still hard, just when I think I am doing ok something triggers all these raw emotions.  My heart starts hurting again, literally hurting.  I have days when I am just on the verge of tears all day. Maybe it will always be like this, I will probably always have days here and there that are just hard, where the pain just gets intensified for some reason.  You know what though, it’s ok.  Having days like that are ok.  I don't want to stop having them altogether. Yes it is nice that as time goes on that those days are further and further apart, but as hard as being overwhelmed with the intense grief is, it is worth it, it keeps me feeling close to them (both babies I lost).

There is a flip side though, for the most part I can now smile when say their names, I smile knowing they are still my babies just in a better place. They aren’t gone forever, we are only temporarily separated.  Remembering that is what has gotten me through the dark days and has given me the peace and hope I have needed when it seemed like I had lost all my hope.