Helping someone after a loss: my first week after 2nd trimester miscarriage: part 2

I wanted to do a second post about the first week after losing the baby (my second trimester miscarriage) to talk about what other people did that meant a lot to me during that time.   When someone is going through a devastating experience family and friends can really make a difference even if they don’t feel like they are.  No one can say or do anything that will take away the pain or even ease it really, but showing care and love through actions speaks volumes.  

Childcare:The first thing was watching my kids, knowing that my children were taken care of allowed me to fully let myself focus on what I needed to without having to worry about them.  My mom and step-dad kept the kids overnight the night before we went to the hospital.  My husband and I needed that alone time together as we began to process the fact that just that afternoon we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat and I would deliver the next day.  Then in the morning we were able to go straight to the hospital.

Helping with the kids activities was another big thing for me, I really wanted the girls to still be able to attend their activities and have that sense of normalcy during that time, my step-dad picked the girls up from their American Heritage Girls meeting that night, which was something they would have been disappointed to miss, but something that I just couldn't do.  My brother and sister-in-law then came over the day/evening of my delivery to help when the kids came home from my moms, my sister-in-law brought them pizza for dinner and took the girls to their dance classes.  It helped me knowing that they weren’t missing those things.  Their dance teacher had the class make me a card, then took my girls out for ice cream afterward and brought them home.   Making things a little brighter/giving them a little bit of fun during that time was a comfort for me as well. 

Presence:They (my brother and sister-in-law) were at my house when I got home from the hospital and it was nice just having their support there, as well as the helping hands. That was a Wednesday, my husband had to go to work Thursday and Friday (luckily he was able to take off the whole next week) so my sister-in-law came over and spend all day with me and the kids on Thursday, and my mom came over Friday morning and even went and got the kids McDonalds for lunch.  Those first days I probably wouldn’t have been able to make myself get out of bed if it wasn't for having them coming over, it showed their care for me as well as helping to distract the kids and make those days good for them. 

Meals:I had two friends come bring us dinner during that first week, and when you have 6 children to feed something like that is very much appreciated! I was very touched by that, most of my pain was emotional but I was definitely also still recovering physically so taking away the work of making a meal for our whole family was wonderful.  (also, after my first miscarriage I had an out of town friend mail a sweet card and a gift card to a restaurant, my husband was able to go pick-up carry-out for dinner one night which we were so grateful for, it came at a much needed time.  I wanted to add that as an idea in case you have someone far away from you that you still want to do something for)

Gifts: My mom knew how much my small “in memory of baby” necklace I had put together after our first loss meant to me, so as a special gift to me she (and my step-dad) paid for a new one, bigger that could be for both babies, I picked out the day after I delivered.  It is something that means so much to me, it has the initial for both of the babies we lost, birthstones, and special charms that represent them.  It is the one thing that I put on when I go out even if I don’t wear any other jewelry.  

Just a few days after delivery I got a surprise package in the mail, I was beyond touched to see that it was from one of my closest friends (who had already just brought us dinner the day before).  It was the Angel’s Embrace Willow Tree statue, I cried.  I absolutely love it, the meaning and thought behind it is so special to me and it is something I still look at everyday.  

Cards, calls, texts & messages: During that first week I wasn't able to return every single text or message right away, and yes sometimes they made me cry, but they also made me feel like people cared. (I specifically remember a long text from one of my out-of-state brothers that brought me to tears instantly, but it was so meaningful to me) Even getting the texts saying “Hey, I’ve been praying for you” or “I’m so sorry you are going through this” or even “How are you doing?” just showed me that that person cared and was thinking of me even if they didn’t know what to really say.   Cards are my favorite “messages” because it is something I put inside the memory box, I didn’t get many cards but the few I did get are very meaningful to me. 

I don’t have a good conclusion for this post other than I hope maybe it gives some one an idea on how to be a help to someone else, and to say that the things you do really do matter.  I will always remember what people did for me during that time. 

My first week after 2nd trimester miscarriage, part 1

For some reason I am having an even harder time writing this post than I did writing the story of the day I had the loss, the days afterward were awful.  I am going to do most of this sharing some of my journal entries during that time, that’s probably the best way to really show what was going on inside me.  I’ve filled several journals pouring out my pain and emotions during that time so this will only be bits and pieces.  It doesn't get any easier right away, if anything it got harder as the reality sank in.  

Excerpts from my journal entries during the week after I delivered Trey:

 
Day 1 after: “I am still in shock, there are moments where I just can’t believe it happened, where my brain can’t comprehend that it really happened.”  

Day 2 after (I was writing about how my husband was taking the girls to their activities): “I don’t want to go anywhere that I am going to have to pretend like I am not completely apart and broken inside…right now it feels like that will never happen, it feels like I will always feel like this.”  

  Day 3 after: “ Sobbing once again, my heart just hurts so badly. I miss being pregnant, I miss my baby bump, I miss knowing there is a little life inside me, I miss telling the kids the baby is the size of a strawberry, a lemon, an orange, etc. I just  can’t believe it.  Last week I was pregnant and now I’m not, I just don’t get it”

Day 6 after: “It has been one week since I found out my baby wasn’t going to be born here on earth. I still can’t believe it. I wish I would just wake up and it would all be just a bad dream…but it looks like this is my reality now…I had to deliver a son that was not alive… I will never forget that day. I use to think that the worst day of my life was when I got the call from the police that they found my dad dead in his condo and I had to go there and see him lying there….then I lost baby Jamie (our first trimester miscarriage) and that ranked right up there with the worst….But Nov. 19, 2014 was the worst day of my life…how do you get over not only losing your baby (a miscarriage no matter how far along you are is devastating enough)  but having to go through labor and delivery and actually seeing your dead child, it’s just so awful….”

Day 7 after: “This year has shown me that you just can’t plan on anything -every positive pregnancy test doesn’t equal a baby at the end; the worst morning sickness doesn't equal a healthy baby; making it to the 2nd trimester doesn't mean you are out of the ‘risk zone’ ; it doesn't matter how much you pray for something or how thankful you are for something it doesn't mean that God is going to let you keep it. I don’t understand it at all.  My heart is so heavy. It feels like it is scattered in a million pieces, it’s so heavy that it literally hurts. As time goes on I know I will learn better how to accept losing my babies, one day I may even be able to say that I am ok, but that day is not today. I am not ok.  One day I hope I can think of them with only hope and faith of the future eternity with them, it helps to think of them like that but right now the hurt is just too big and it overshadows those things that should be able to comfort me. The pain is too raw.”

Day 8 after (Thanksgiving): to baby Trey “I am thankful I got to carry you in my belly for the amount of time that I did. I am thankful I got to see you and hold you. I am thankful that I will get to see you again in heaven”

 
   As you can see I was very much in disbelief at first, it didn't seem real, slowly as it began to set in the grief would just overwhelm me at times, it still has a way of doing that sometimes but I am happy to say that it does get easier.  You find ways to deal with the loss, during the time when you are the weakest the Lord is doing His work making you stronger than you knew you could be.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says “Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” (NLT) and verse10 ends by saying “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  Why is it that sometimes you do the most growing during the toughest times in your life??? 

It was hard typing out parts of my journal entries from the first week (I hadn’t even gone back to read it again until now) and even harder sharing them with everyone, but as I wrote in my journals through this time in my life I felt like God was calling me to use my writing as a way to reach others, maybe someone going through this same thing  needs to know she are not alone, maybe she need her friends and family to read this and get a glimpse of what she is feeling so that they can better understand her. 

My part 2 post will be on what some of my friends and family did for me during the first week after the loss that meant a lot to me. 

Homeschooling year-round

One of the many benefits of homeschooling is the freedom to make your own schedule.  There are many homeschoolers who follow the traditional September-May schedule, there are some that school for a certain number of weeks on, then a break and continue that pattern throughout the year, and then there are those who homeschool all year around.  We have actually done a mixture of those schedules in our 8 years of homeschooling and I have landed on the year-round approach.

I still typically have them start their new grade in the summertime, so that it is more in line with things like classes at church, etc. but there are times when they have started new grades in January or February.   Just recently my 6th grader completed her math level and moved up to the next one, when it comes to things like that it wouldn’t make sense to wait until “next school year” to start something else.  But also it takes the pressure off having to finish a certain subject by the end of May.  

Also with homeschooling year-round we have the freedom to work on the core subjects during the main part of the year and then in the summer read those extra books on topics we studied throughout the year, take time for art history, learning cursive, just to name some examples.  I have multiple children that are school age now so knowing that I can count on those summer months allows me to stretch out what we do and puts less pressure on me and on them, they need the freedom to work at their own pace and not feel rushed to get something done.  I want them to enjoy learning.  When my 3rd grader and my 1st grader are up in their room playing paper dolls when it’s “school time” I can just let them, I know the work will eventually get done and I feel very strongly that creative play can be just as beneficial for them as academics at their young ages.  Spreading all the subjects out throughout the year makes our days and weeks more flexible, which basically means more playtime!

This past week all the “brick and mortar” schools were off because of snow and extreme cold temperatures, yet we (and most other homeschoolers I talked to) kept up with our school work, which will allow us to not feel guilty about taking the nice days off this coming spring to get out and enjoy the weather. 

In the summertime we more relaxed with our schedule because we usually have completed the main curriculum I have wanted them to finish before moving on to the next grade, well, this year my 1st grader won’t have her stuff done but it will work out great since I won’t be working with her older siblings as much I will more time to focus on her stuff.  But I see no reason why on the very high humidity days when we just stay home that they shouldn't get some schooling done so that say in December we can spend a good amount of the month making cookies/treats, cards and gifts for others.  

Now for the most part I am talking about my 6th grader and 3rd grader when I talk about them getting their schoolwork done.  I do have my 1st grader, Kindergartener and preschool do some school work too, especially my 1st grader, but I tend to take more of an unschooling approach when they are young.  Which also works so well with the year-round approach, to me there are always opportunities all around them to learn, it doesn't have to be sitting at a desk.  (I could do a whole other post on that :) 

 

My 2nd Trimester loss

Sometimes the pain is so intense I feel like it just happened, other times it seems like it happened so long ago…it’s been a long 3 months of mourning, grief, and confusion, but also of searching for comfort, peace, and hope.

My reason and hope for sharing my stories about miscarriage is to help someone else who is going through it.  I don’t know how much “help” I can be other than I know that it helps me knowing that I am not alone and that what I am thinking and feeling is a normal part of this.  Everybody handles things differently, each situation is different, but still a lot of the emotions and deep down feelings are the same. 

The pregnancy started out with a bang, before I could even suspect I was pregnant I started having symptoms, they came early and strong;  and I was so thankful, I thought that the worse I felt meant the better the baby was doing, and for a while that seemed true.  I was nervous about the pregnancy since I had miscarried around 8 weeks several months prior, but the severe morning sickness helped calm and reassure my anxiety.  I had an ultrasound around 8 weeks that showed that the baby doing great, at 12 weeks I heard a good strong heartbeat on the doppler at my check-up. I was beginning to relax. My morning sickness started going away at the beginning of the 2nd trimester, which is what always happens in my pregnancies so I was feeling good. I had a nice little baby bump that I just loved. 

Then the day of my 16 week appointment I began having brown spotting,  I knew something was wrong.  I went in for the appointment and she couldn’t find the heartbeat on the doppler so I was immediately sent for an ultrasound on the spot.   The tech said “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat”  I was in disbelief.  How, no, Why was this happening? Why was I losing another baby?  I was in the second trimester, wasn't that when I didn't have to worry about that anymore? And then the doctor tells me that I needed to go to the hospital to deliver the baby, at that stage of pregnancy the baby is too big for a D&C.  I didn't even know what to say to her. 

We scheduled to go in at 8am the next day, it didn't feel real.  As we were walking into labor and delivery I remember thinking to myself I should be walking in here to deliver my other baby, it was only days away from the due date of my first miscarriage.  Walking in I still didn't understand exactly what was going to happen, all the doctor said was I needed to deliver. I was having contractions already but I didn’t realize how much like a real birth it was going to be, I wasn't prepared mentally, then again, how could anyone really prepare for something like that.  I didn’t know there would be talks about if I wanted an epidural, iv’s, painful contractions, or that I would feel my water break, I didn’t know I would get the chance to hold my baby and know the gender.  I had no idea just what an intense, powerful, life-changing, heart-wrenching experience it would be. 

But I found out quickly.  I delivered my tiny little boy that morning, 4 3/4 inches, 2.2 oz.  The nurse asked if I wanted to hold him, of course I did, I had to see, I needed to, I had to cling to any memory I could possibly get of my son because after that there would be no new memories.  And so, I held him, in true amazement, counting his little fingers and toes, how could anyone not believe that an unborn child is a life?? The delivery went well but my placenta wasn't coming out despite the strong contractions and blood loss.  I was shaking, I started slipping out of it, my blood pressure dropped dangerously low…my body was going into shock…so they rushed me into surgery, put me to sleep and did an emergency D&C.  My husband said it was scary, they pushed him out of the room as I was turning white and my lips blue, but he said they came to update him as soon as they could.  Once the placenta was out I was fine.  I was so overwhelmed by the loss of my baby that what happened to me after didn’t seem like a big deal, I didn't have the space in my brain to worry about myself. 

They asked us if we had picked a name, we chose to use the boy name that had been on our list of baby names for years, the name we would have used also….had he lived. Trey Joshua.  The nurses made a beaded name bracelet for him, for me.  They put together a whole memory box, took pictures, wrapped him in a crochet blanket thing with ties and laid him on a little blanket in the bassinet in the room.  He was cremated and there will be a memorial service for all the babies lost during this time in May (which happens to take place at his due date).  I will forever be grateful for how they handled it, for the sympathy, they were so sensitive to the emotions I was having, but mostly I am grateful for the respect they had for the life lost.

They days afterward were awful.  I was drained physically, eyes puffy from so many tears.  My heart was broken, quite literally it seemed, for weeks it felt like someone was pushing on my chest, that intensity slowly lifted and now 3 months later it only comes back every now and then, but it does come back.   I think I will talk more on the days afterward in another post, for today I just felt the need to get my story, Trey’s story, out there…maybe it will help someone who can relate or maybe you have a friend going through a loss and it will help you have a better understanding for what they are going through.   I could go on and on about the suffering you go through when you lose a baby but today on the anniversary of 3 months since delivering Trey I want to celebrate his life, his precious, special oh so short life he had inside me.  Having a second trimester miscarriage is the worst thing I have ever been through…but I am so thankful for those extra weeks I got to carry him.  

Responsibility of a Large Family

      Sometimes I forget that we have a large family, or at least larger than normal, maybe it’s because for me it feels normal, and also because I could see us with a few more (that will be up to the Lord whether that happens or not) so having 6 doesn't seem like a huge amount.  (note: I have to admit that I think of myself as a mother of 8, even though 2 of my children are not physically here on earth, they are all always on my mind and in my heart)  

It’s mostly when we are out that I get reminded that we not “normal”. The other day we were in line at Frisch’s (thank you Valentines coupons, free kids meals!) and the guy in front of us turns around, starts counting kids and asked “Are you guys coming from Catholic church?”  I laughed and said, “no.”  Then he said “oh I figured you were, when the bible says ‘be fruitful and multiply’ you guys took it seriously!”  Then they sat us at two booths because they didn't have table available big enough for us.   

I am not one of those people who get upset by comments from strangers.   I couldn’t count the number of times I have heard “Are those all yours?” “You sure have your hands full” “You’ve got the whole team with you” “How many of those are yours?” (because clearly they all couldn't be mine, right?) “You look way too young/too small to have that many kids” (I have to say I like this one, it will be sad when that one stops!!) “How do you do it?” “Do you know what causes that?” etc. etc. etc.  Or I hear them counting the kids, people are always looking at us and I can’t tell if it is in a good way or bad way!  It’s silly to me, I don’t feel like we have that many. 

I typically think its funny and don’t get offended. I am proud of our family.  But I do see the attention we get as a responsibility.  We draw attention to ourselves by the amount of children we have, and even more so because we homeschool, when we are out during school hours that draws attention as well.  I am constantly telling the kids before we get out of the van “lets not make a scene in here, ok?!”  

I remind them that we are representing homeschoolers, large families, and Christians.   And that’s a big job, we should be a light in the world.   We can change the stereotypes that others may have in their head.  We won’t always know who all is watching, but we know God is watching, and can use us at any time as a blessing or a good example for someone else.  So that should be reason enough to not make a nasty comment back to someone who has just said something that could be taken as offensive, or reason enough for the kids to show respect to the people around, the place we are at, as well as to me and each other.   When they are little they don’t understand that concept, they have made “a scene” many times!  But I am still responsible for how I respond to them, and as they grow they understand it more and more.  I want to be approachable for someone who has a genuine question about homeschooling, raising a family, faith, etc.  I couldn’t help anyone if I was yelling at my kids, looking irritated, snapping at people, etc.   You never know all the ways your words or actions could affect someone else, and when you have a large family makes it a little easier for you to stand out and make a difference, so let’s see all that attention and those comments as a good thing instead of annoying!

“In the same way, let your light shine before people in such a way that they will see your good actions and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16 

Thoughts, 12 weeks after losing my baby

Right after I lost baby Trey in November ( I was 16 weeks pregnant when we found out he had passed away and I delivered him on Nov. 19th…I plan to do a post sharing the story of each of the two losses pretty soon, when I have some real alone time and a box of tissues) I had a hard time going places and seeing people for the first time.  For a few weeks I avoided places like church or my girls dance classes because I couldn’t see anyone without bursting into tears, and when I went back for the first time it was really hard, there were many tears.  Part of it was the last  time I was here I was pregnant and part of it was talking to other people, I cried there when I talked about it or I cried at home if no one acknowledged it. 

Things got easier after the first time seeing people and first time going back to places I went while pregnant.  One place I haven’t been about to go back to without getting really emotional either there or afterward is the bible study that I started attending at the very beginning of the pregnancy. And I think that’s the big reason, I was already pregnant when it started, I associate going there with being pregnant.  Other than that though I thought I was ok now, as far as going out and getting back to our normal schedule. Its been just over 12 weeks. 

It happened again today though.  I was getting ready take the kids to the Homeschool Valentines Party and I realized that I hadn't seen anyone from the homeschooling group since the Halloween Party, held at the same place, when I was pregnant.  And I was suppose to be on a field trip at the Museum with our homeschool friends on the morning of Nov. 19th instead of at the hospital delivering my baby that was no longer alive.  

It’s still hard, just when I think I am doing ok something triggers all these raw emotions.  My heart starts hurting again, literally hurting.  I have days when I am just on the verge of tears all day. Maybe it will always be like this, I will probably always have days here and there that are just hard, where the pain just gets intensified for some reason.  You know what though, it’s ok.  Having days like that are ok.  I don't want to stop having them altogether. Yes it is nice that as time goes on that those days are further and further apart, but as hard as being overwhelmed with the intense grief is, it is worth it, it keeps me feeling close to them (both babies I lost).

There is a flip side though, for the most part I can now smile when say their names, I smile knowing they are still my babies just in a better place. They aren’t gone forever, we are only temporarily separated.  Remembering that is what has gotten me through the dark days and has given me the peace and hope I have needed when it seemed like I had lost all my hope.   

Why we homeschool...

     The three questions I get most often about homeschooling are: 1) What made you decide to homeschool? 2) Are you going to do it all the way through high school? and 3) How do you do it with multiple kids/ages?  So today I thought it would talk about why we homeschool and what made us decide to do it.  I often get flustered when someone asks me that question because I feel like I don’t have a good enough answer.   The short easy answer is that I believe it is what I am suppose to be doing. It just feels right.  That might not be the answer people are looking for though. 

     Eight years ago when my oldest child was 3 1/2 years old all the moms with kids her age were talking about registering for preschool.  These where moms from dance or MOPS mostly.  I would get asked what preschool I am going to send her to, or if she was going to start in the fall.  I didn't know what to do, to me it didn't make sense to send her to a preschool when I was a stay-home mom and could teach her all that stuff, but seemed like that was what everyone was doing.  I questioned it.  I was expressing my anxiety over sending her to school to another mom at dance when she suggested homeschooling, she had homeschooled her sons for several years.  Up until that point I honestly didn't know that homeschooling was a real thing!  I remember once my husband jokingly said “we’ll just homeschool her” when she was a baby and we were talking about one day having to send her to school, he was totally kidding though, we hadn’t known anyone at all who did it.  As soon as she told me about it I got excited. It was a Thursday, I immediately started looking up things online about homeschooling and that evening I went to a local christian bookstore and found a homeschooling book.  I knew immediately thats what we were going to do. I prayed that my husband would be on board.  By Friday evening we decided “YES! We were going to homeschool!”  I felt such peace over the decision and have never questioned it since. 

     Of course, over the years I have added to my list of reasons why we continue, I tend to not be too open about them publicly though because I would never want to sound like I think that those who aren't homechooling are doing something wrong.  Which I absolutely don't think.  My closest friends don’t homeschool, that’s the beauty of motherhood, there are so many different ways to do it(this motherhood thing) and we are all doing it right as long as we are doing what we feel is best for our family, even if it is completely different from the mom next to us. Homeschooling is certainly not for everyone.  

     Here are a few of my other reasons of why we stick with homeschooling even when it isn't easy: Testing, we don’t do testing, my kids learn because they want to be smart, to know things, figure things out, not so that they can pass a test.  I like to be on our own schedule, we do schoolwork when other kids have snow days but then we take the day off and go to the zoo or park when its nice out.  Some years we have had more of a year-round schedule so that we can have an easier school load during times of morning sickness or having a new baby.  We get up and start our day on our own time not around when the bus comes. I’ve never been one to just do what everyone else does without questioning it, so homeschooling just fits my personality well.  I love being the one to hear the excitement in their voice when they are learning about something that is fascinating to them, or being the one that works through a concept with them and seeing it finally “click” for them.  

    Another big reason I love homeschooling is how it promotes and establishes sibling bonding, they would be away from each other for so many hours of the day if they were in school.  What’s more, I like being around my kids all day, yes, of course there are times when they drive me crazy (that's the reason a mom's night out can be much needed!) but they are mine and I truly enjoy having them home.

Just a Monday

I have heard many times “how to you do it?” “I am drowning with just 2 kids” “I could never do that” when other moms find out I have six children and homeschool them.  Its funny because, well for one thing when I only had one or two kids I thought the same thing about those who had a bunch of kids.  And it’s also funny because they think I have it all together, I must have it all together to have half a dozen kids and homeschool, right?….hummmm…no….not even close.  

Today is a great example of NOT having it all together:  So we are getting ready to head out of the door to dance classes, again, almost running late, everybody had shoes and coats on, except me, I was still throwing coloring books, ninja turtles, and lollipops in my bag to keep the kids who weren’t in class happy for 45 min.  I realized my 2 1/2 year old hadn't gone to the bathroom for a while, so I pulled her little potty chair into the hallway by the front door and sat her on it (yes, while she still had her jacket and boots on, haha).  My oldest is saying that we are going to be late, the other kids were tired of being crowded at the door and were like “we’re outta here” and started walking out to the car, leaving my daughter who is sitting on the potty exposed to the cold air and neighbors. I was feeling like quite a “hot mess” (as my girls would say) with my toddler on my hip, big bag over my shoulder, as I rush to lock my front door and run to the van. Of course a neighbor was outside.  

I admit that I don’t love the neighbors seeing that I am struggling to just get out of the door, but yeah sometimes it happens, sometimes the kids are hitting each other on the way to the van, hollering at each other as they fight over who gets in first, I am often running back inside for something I have forgotten.  That is not even mentioning the fact that we got no schoolwork done today, my house was a mess and was in desperate need of attention, despite the fact that I had it looking pretty good just a couple days ago!  So at the time when we are at home between being back and forth from dance classes, when ideally we would work on school work, I let the kids play legos so that I could get the place looking decent again.  This is just a typical Monday for me.  

It’s ok though, it’s all part of the life of a mom.  Sometimes I just stand back and have to laugh at the chaos of it all.  Kids acting crazy and rowdy, dinner needing made, mountain of laundry needing folded, toys and books scattered everywhere, I kinda love it.  It makes me smile.  Have you seen the movie Mom’s Night Out?  I love the theme of it, a beautiful mess.  That is the definition of motherhood. I love that. 

It can be easy to feel frustrated and overwhelmed by the chaos of running a home and raising kids, I have those days, trust me.   But hearing the girls giggling together, having my toddler whisper “I love you forever” with her arms around my neck, watching my boys run up the stairs to show me the “awesome” lego invention they just came up with makes it all worth while. 

 Even during my hardest days just stepping back to look at them, to soak it all in (what a miracle each one really is) gives me so much joy.    

Mama's stressed when kids aren't feeling well!

    Wow,  sometimes being a mom of many is so stressful!  I'm not talking about the everyday things like making bigger meals, more dishes, more laundry,  or just the plain logistics of a larger than normal family.  I'm talking about the worry, the fear, the anxiety in your gut when one of your children is not feeling well/sick or having a problem, etc. multiply that feeling by how many children you have and it can get overwhelming at times.  
      Today I have a daughter who turned 7 years old (YAY!! for LILY BELLE) but sometimes I do worry about her because she is still the size of a 4 or 5 year old.  My husband took our 11 year old to urgent care after church and she has an ear infection.  My 4 year old son is on amoxicillin right now for his ear infection and has developed a rash over the weekend.  My 8 year old has another one of her headaches, usually they make her throw up (she is like her mother, my headaches can make me throw up too) and now I am wondering if she needs to get her eyes checked, which her Dr. has done a basic test but I think she needs an actual eye exam, she seems to get headaches on church days when she has been trying to read the screen or something, or maybe I am wrong and it has nothing to do with her eyes.  My 2 year old has been cranky because she isn't feeling well, and has bitten both her bothers today. 
       Sick season is so hard for moms in general whether you have one child or 10, you HATE when your kid isn't feeling well.  I can't sleep well when one of my kids is sick, my body won't let me, like I need to be on alert and ready to run to them in the middle of the night at the first peep.  You worry when one gets sick, are all the others going to get it?  You worry if its going to turn into something worse.  It's times like this, in the midst of a season when "it's always something!" that you start to be more thankful for the times when you have a whole week, even a whole day, with no new issues, when a doctor doesn't need called, when I am not googling some symptoms or texting my sister-in-law (who happens to be a nurse at Childrens Hospital) asking her what to do about one of the kids.   
     There are times when I just sit down exhausted and think, whats next?  Or who's next?  BUT... here are a couple things that really help me during these times: First of all, being thankful.  Having these worries means I have children to worry about.  Talk about putting your perspective in place, right?!  I am so thankful for them, even when they do completely overwhelm me at times!  Being thankful for when its just little things like ear infections and rashes, when there are so so many bigger issues I could be facing with one of them.  The second thing that helps me, especially recently, is just remembering it is all in Gods hands, and somehow, no matter what I am going through, tiny or gigantic, it will work out.  My prayers have changed since losing the babies last year, slowly through dealing with that I learned to rely on Him more, when at first I pulled away, I am now closer.  I have learned that just praying for what you want to happen isn't how to pray.  Now when I start to feel the stress that comes along with the times dealing with sick/not feeling well/hurt children I pray for wisdom to know what to do for the kids, I pray for peace over my worry, I pray for comfort for my child, I pray for strength.  Anxiety over your children will eat away at you if you let it, knowing that they are in Gods hands and allowing that to bring peace over you can make all the difference in a mamas heart and sanity! 

Encouragement to talk about it…whether you have had a miscarriage or someone you know goes through one

      There are so many people who don't talk about it, either they have had a miscarriage and don't talk about it or you have had one and people don't want to bring it up.  Why don't they want to bring it up? Probably because they just don’t know what to say besides, “I’m sorry that happened to you” (which, by the way, is ok to say). Yes, someone else’s grief can be uncomfortable to those around them, so its easier to just not bring it up, right?  And then there’s the fear they have of not wanting to make you think about it and make you sad if you weren't already thinking about it.  When am I not thinking about my baby?  My babies that I lost are always on my mind.  I am thankful to those who say something, who bring it up. I WANT to talk about my babies, even the whole experience, as hard as that can be, it helps, its healing.  

Recently I had someone at church say “Hey, I have been wanting to say I am sorry about what happened with your baby and we have been praying for you, I wasn't sure when to bring it up, I didn't want to make you sad”.  Its been over two months now, people don't mention it much since its not “fresh news”, maybe they think I’m ‘over it’, maybe they just don't remember.  I was touched that he said that even though it has been a couple months, it started a whole conversation about it, I opened up about it all, I didn't get upset, I was happy to talk about it, it keeps their(my babies) memory alive.  Thank you to those who say SOMETHING, acknowledgement of the loss of a life is what means more than you having the “right” words to say. 

I encourage you to talk about it if you have been through a loss, you need it and you never know if some else needs it too.  I was surprised to find out who else had a miscarriage that I never knew about and I wouldn't have known had I not told everyone about mine. Several of those came to me and we talked about their loss too, I think it helped them as well. 
 It has been very helpful to me to talk to others who have been through it, I know I am not alone.  Sometimes you will never know what your words or actions do for someone else, God can use you through your trials.  God might have a message you need to hear and just the right person to share it with you but if you don't open those doors of communication and share what you are going through then you may miss something important. Or they might miss something important that God wants them to hear through you.  
I am not always good about opening up in groups of people in person but I find other ways, one-on-one conversations, I have shared on Facebook after losing both of my babies, in writing (journaling as well as writing what, one day, might turn into a book or ebook), starting this blog, etc. I need to get things out,  I always feel better when I talk to my husband about something that is bothering me, or text a close friend, or even just writing in my journal.  It can be hard when you those around you haven't been through losing a baby so they don't REALLY get it,  but if you open up and share they will have empathy, compassion, prayers for you, a better understanding and sometimes thats all you need from someone else.  

Do You Have a Morning Routine?

My Morning Routine

It is the beginning of February, which means I have been doing my routine for a month now and I am still loving it.  Over the years my morning “routines” or lack of one has changed a lot.  There were many years when the only structure or schedule to my morning depended on the precious baby in the crib next to my bed, and if that is where you are don’t envy this “free time” I am going to be talking about, enjoy those priceless times of every minute revolving around your baby (I would gladly give up my morning routine for that)!

But now my kids are getting bigger, they usually sleep a little later, they play in their rooms together until I come to them so that has given me some time I can take in the morning as “me time” if I choose.  I say “if I choose” because until I came up with my little “morning routine” I would sometimes just waste the time lying in bed, not wanting to get up, being lazy…now in my defense I did have a pretty good excuse, for much of 2014 I was either pregnant or recovering from a miscarriage (physically) or just grieving emotionally which I will admit made it just so hard to get out of bed some mornings.  

 
After I had my second loss (Nov. 19th was when I delivered him) I told myself I would give myself the month of December “off”, I didn't try to get back into exercising, I didn't try to plan to get up at any certain time (just whenever the kids woke me up over the monitors), I didn't make lists of things that needed to get done, I just did whatever I could do, some days I was productive or busy with the kids and their activities, other days the hurt was just too much and all I could do was sit on the couch or in my bed and cuddle and read stories with my kids (we didn't get a whole lot of school done during that time either besides my oldest who is very independent with her work). 

 
I knew I needed to act together for the new year, and I knew it was going to have to start with my mornings, I was torn because I have always gone back and forth over the years on: should I use “me time”for exercising, or should I use “me time” for reading devotions or studying the bible.  Both are important to me, so I had to choose both.

I am not a morning person naturally, so getting up, even just SITTING up in bed at like 6:30 or 7:00 requires discipline for myself.  I keep devotional books, bible, bible study books, my journal and laptop all within reach of my bed so start my morning by sitting up and grabbing one of those.  Luckily I have a wonderful husband who brings me a small glass of iced coffee in the morning before he leaves for work, somedays that's the only thing that has motivated me to open my eyes!  So I do devotion time/quiet time/reading/writing for about half hour to 45 min. then I get up and either do a 20 min Pilates or yoga dvd, or I do about 30 min on the elliptical (I alternate days). Then I greet the children, shower, give them breakfast (yes so sometimes we don't eat breakfast until 9 or so, which may seem late for some of you, but, hey, thats one of the beauties of homeschooling, we can be flexible and make our own schedule), get ready if we are going somewhere that day.  So there ya go,  that has become my little morning routine every week day.