Due date...after loss

May 6th, 2015:  Today is the due date that my ultrasound gave.  And tomorrow is the memorial service.   I have been a wreck.  Just so weepy and sad.  I should be delivering my baby boy right now.  It sucks.  My heart is hurting so bad, so much like it was in the beginning when the loss was fresh.  I had been doing better for a while but as the due date and memorial began to approach the feelings of loss and grief have really intensified.   

       I feel so alone. I have had friends text and ask how I am doing.  Many friends comment on Facebook saying that they are praying for me or thinking of me….so why do I feel so lonely?  I feel like no one understands and no one cares. (which I know isn't true, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it)  I remember feeling like this right after the loss and a friend said to me “that is the devil trying to get to you, don’t believe it!”  She was right, and sometimes it works. So thank you to those who reach out, I need it, probably more than you know.  
       But, the bottom line is: no one will love that baby as much as me, and no one can grieve this loss like me.  Not even my husband.  He has grieved over Trey, I know that, right after we lost him it was awful seeing my husband so torn up. And I know he loves him very much…but I am the mother, and nothing compares to the passion a mother feels for her baby.  So here I am sitting in bed sobbing.  

        I need healing and I think tomorrow will be healing.  I need this heavy weight lifted from my heart.  I need closure, if that is even the right word.  There are parts of me that have been almost looking forward to this memorial service (even though I am sure I will bawl my eyes out most of the time) because I so want to honor him, to celebrate his life, if that makes sense.  And to finalize it all, his ashes will officially be placed at the cemetery, the due date has finally come, so yeah I guess that is what I mean by the closure.  

Bereaved Mother's Day 2015

This is a really hard time for me right now,  I have already been in tears several times over the last few days and it’s only getting harder as May 7th approaches, this week is the week I was due with Trey…and not only that, the memorial service that Mercy does for bereaved parents is this Thursday.   This is when Trey’s ashes will be placed at Gate of Heaven cemetery.   Mercy does this memorial service once a year and this year it just happens to be right at my due date, which I am thankful for, it will be incredibly meaningful.  But, even that much more heart aching dealing with the emotions of his due date, as well as the mourning for him at the memorial, and the mixed emotions

of Mothers Day.  So basically I will probably be an emotional mess most of the week…....But I will honoring Trey this week and even though it makes me hurt, it's important.

   

 Not too long ago I saw through a Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss page on Facebook that the Sunday before Mother’s Day is (for those who wish to observe it) International Bereaved Mother’s Day.  As soon as I saw that I thought Wow that’s perfect,  I love having two separate days to celebrate me as a mother of babies in heaven and then me as a mother to my children here on earth.  I hadn’t heard of “ Bereaved Mothers Day” last year and that Mothers Day was hard because I wanted to focus on my kids I have here but then I also wanted to acknowledge my baby who was not with us (but to whom I was also a mother). 

  It’s hard to find the right balance between joy & grief for stuff like that. So this year, and from now on, I will celebrate this "Bereaved Mother’s Day" the Sunday before Mothers day as a day I get to focus on me being a mother of two babies that are not here on earth for me to hold or for everyone else to see and acknowledge but that are so much a part of me and my heart.  Praying today for all the Mothers out there who also have babies in heaven instead of their arms. 

My stage of Motherhood right now

My youngest turned 3 this week. I am not use to this…since I started having babies almost 12 years ago I have never had one turn 3 without me either being pregnant or having another baby (or two) already.   Life has slowly evolved into this new stage, but at the same time it happened so fast! There is no longer the need for 2 cribs, 2 highchairs, double stroller, etc. I was use to having two babies at all times for the most part (I have had babies as close as 12 months apart) and now I don't have any “babies”. 

Part of me is brought to tears as I pack away things, for the “just in case there’s another” hope.  But part of me is totally enjoying the freedoms that are coming from them being older.  No scheduling plans around naps, no diapers, they can all walk and talk and feed themselves, etc.  But they eat more! More of them are school age which can make homeschooling challenging at times. No more itty bitty baby snuggles.   Such mixed emotions!  

Another thing that is hard is that I when I think of my newly 3 year old little girl I don’t think my BABY is 3, because to me she is not the baby, yes, she is the “baby” here on earth but there were two after her that are “the babies” of the family.  So that just affects my emotions more when I think of the stage of motherhood I am in at the moment, makes it harder because it makes me think I should have a baby right now, I shouldn't be at this stage of no babies! but then also makes me even more grateful to have all these children that I do have and thankful they are growing up, healthy and strong. 

I met a mom at the park the other day that when I saw her I thought that was me a few years ago, she had 5 children all close together like mine, hers’ where all still so young/toddlers/babies, oh how I remember the days, how quickly those days have passed!  Mine are still fairly young, I know, but not like that.  How did I become a mother of big kids??!! I was so use to being the mother of babies and toddlers!

Big ones working on school work and little ones coloring (and eating treats) at the local coffee shop

  I have been looking back some pictures from several years ago seeing how much they all have grown, such precious memories, makes me feel so blessed!  They are pretty awesome no matter how old they are….hopefully I am still saying that when I have a houseful of teenagers in the future!  I think I calculated that at 2 different times we will have 5 teens a once! Fun times ahead, right?!   Love the stage you are in, it goes by so fast! And if you don’t love it, well, it doesn't last long anyway!   

My "12 month apart babies" 2009

 

Summertime 2010

Summertime 2011

Early fall 2012

The 3 year old!! 

No more strollers or baby carriers when we go outside, everyone can run around and play! 

One Year Anniversary-Miscarriage

Today is the one year anniversary of when our baby, who we named Jamie Cameron, went to heaven.  That baby will always be my baby #7 to me even if we do have any more here on earth.  So much has happened since April 12th last year, the whole rest of the year just got worse, there are still several dates coming up that will weigh heavy on my heart.  But today we chose to not dwell and be sad….I had my crying breakdown the night before last about it….today we just wanted to make special and spend time together.  

Brian and I were able to go out on a lunch date after church, it was so nice to be out just the two of us and enjoy alone time for a while.  We hadn't been on a “real” date out since November 23 which was Jamie’s due date (and only a couple days after losing Trey) so this date today was a lot…happier…filled much more with hope and fun instead of despair.   It is nice to do little things in remembrance or in memory of the babies for the special dates, very bittersweet.

  Yes, I am sad today, there has been just a few little tears, but overall I am choosing joy & thankful to have Brian with me through it all.  Thank you to all have been praying for us.

Our Easter 2015

     Happy Easter!

 It has been a nice weekend,  Easter is one of my favorite holidays,  celebrating Jesus being ALIVE.  Celebrating hope and springtime.  It is a good time to rest, sit back and look at what you have with thankfulness.  Oh, and I love Easter colors, they make for great scrapbook pictures:)  Yesterday I went to the salon with my grandma and got my hair done, low-lights, high-lights and trimmed, it was only the second time I had my hair professionally done like that and I love it!  

         Last night I had fun getting the kids Easter baskets ready for them.  They each got a few little things that they wanted like a book, hair accessories, small lego set, etc. and then some candy.  There are always issues with dividing up their candy, whose-whose and all that so now I divide it up ahead of time and use their initial to label their containers, so there's no question who it belongs to.

   Each kid got 3 containers in their basket.  (I also do it because I like to keep food in containers, and they have to leave it on the kitchen table after they get the baskets)  

I always like getting a picture of all the kids Easter baskets lined up together.  The baskets are special to me, my step-grandma made them all for each of their 1st Easters, except for the little one on the end that is for the babies we lost.  It was kind of like with the stockings at Christmas time, I couldn't stand the thought of having everyones lined up with their names on it and not also include the babies.

Inside the caddy is a little "care bear" that Benson found in his room a month or two ago and said "mommy can I give this to Jamie and Trey?"  He knows that he can't really "give" it to them, but I think he understands that things like that help represent them and that he hopes they can see that he is thinking of them.  It was very sweet.  Then this past week Vince got upset because he wanted to put something in their basket from him so he asked to me to make a little blanket for them. I crocheted it on good Friday and he put in their "basket" yesterday.  The other little bear is one we picked out so that there would be two bears in it for 2 babies. 

    I got up around 7a.m. to make coffee cake for breakfast, http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/double-streusel-coffee-cake The kids were already up and starting to get ready for church.  Since everyone was up and ready early we ended up doing Easter baskets before church.

 

 

I had originally thought we wouldn't have time do them first because a lot of times I don't get up and start getting ready for church until around 8, that extra hour made a big difference!  We also needed to be at church early because we were teaching in the 4 year old class, Benson was so happy that we were his teachers for Easter, and that we were bringing cookies for the class.  (and WOW what a rowdy class!  He has a great teacher that is in that class most of the time, she must have a lot of patience! Overall it went well though) And we left church with a huge bag of Hershey's Chocolate eggs (plus a gift card to Grater's ice cream) because Vince won a guessing game from last Sunday's church Easter family night!

     After church the kids just had fun hanging around the house finding Easter eggs I hid, playing with their new things and eating candy.  

I made lasagna for dinner and then we went on a family walk since it was just so nice outside.  We walked for well over an hour "exploring" the neighborhood and old golf course trail, even Cambree walked the whole time and didn't whine about her legs getting tired, I was impressed!  

 
I had moments of "awe" just watching all the kids having fun together and realizing just how big they are getting.  There are definitely times that I miss when they were younger but tonight I had a such an appreciation for the stage they are all at right now.      

It does get easier

Journal entry: March 28th, 2015 Saturday 11:00p.m.

For some reason I am feeling all upset and in tears right now…probably PMS related…but just got overwhelmed with emotion.

I just feel like my babies are being forgotten. 

I look at my little corner by my bed with my willow tree statues, my items that have “Jamie & Trey” embroidered on them, bears, journals, memory boxes, etc. & it feels like- this is all thats left of them.  In a couple of years probably no one will even remember about my lost babies, except me and close family.  Life is moving on- even, it feels like I am moving on at times- I still think of them everyday, but not as intensely as before….and I feel guilty about that.   And then there are times like now when I am crying my eyes out over them.  I don’t want my babies to be forgotten!!  I don’t know why, seemingly out of no where, I’ve got myself all upset.  I guess it’s just the normal process of it all, waves of intense emotion.  

I’ve been doing pretty good lately, actually- because really, I know I have to, I have no choice.  I have a responsibility as a wife and mother to choose joy in the life- in spite of the losses.  To not dwell on it.  To look at, and be thankful for, all I DO have, which is so many blessings.  And so, I have kept going and have found that it does get easier with time….THANK GOD.

I still have my broken-hearted-weeping moments(and there are dates coming up that I know will be hard) but afterward I can lay it back down and keep going, not forget about it, but see it (the loss,  grief, the pain) for what it is- part of my life story- not the story I wanted- but it is for a purpose, and the story is not over, it can be redeemed.  Beauty for ashes.  Joy for mourning. Praise for heaviness. 

Isaiah 61

  

Deciding if I am ready to conceive after a miscarriage

Trusting God

  I almost titled this "Deciding if you are ready to conceive after a miscarriage"  but then I realized that I am not trying to give anyone advice on how they should feel about it (getting pregnant after a loss) I am just sharing the thoughts and emotions that have been going through my head recently.  It is a very personal topic, it takes a lot of prayer to try to figure out what the "right" thing is to do, or not do.

       The question of whether or not to try for another baby is a BIG decision for anyone,  but it’s really a HUGE question for someone who has experienced a loss.  And I had two losses back to back last year.  At my postpartum visit after delivering Trey (my 2nd trimester miscarriage), my doctor told me that she saw no reason why I wouldn’t be able to go on to have a healthy pregnancy and baby next time.  She said “We know your body can make healthy babies, go into the next one full of that confidence”.  At that time I wasn’t able to seriously think about another baby because I was still grieving the loss of Trey so much, but coming from a doctor, what she said meant a lot to me.

      I knew for one thing that I didn’t want to end it like that, I couldn't fathom the thought of my “child-bearing” years ending so….tragically, so devastating.   As soon as you get pregnant, at least for me, you start to imagine your family with another one (not just a baby, but a little person with their own little personality and characteristics, someone that once they are here you can’t imagine life without them), and that didn't go away when I lost the baby.   I constantly feel like someone is missing.  So even right afterward I knew that sometime in the future I would want to at least try to have another....I say try because I can't just say have another...what if it's not God's will for us to have another?  If that is the case then I want Him to show me that...not my fear to prevent it. 

    It took me a couple months to even be able to think about another pregnancy, another baby.  I couldn’t look forward to the future just yet, I wasn't ready to “move forward” from losing my baby, especially since it was the second loss.  I thought I was having my “rainbow baby” when I got pregnant with Trey, I HAD been able to move forward and think about the next one when I got pregnant with him after my loss (first trimester loss) several months before that. 

     So, it just took a little longer this time around.  To be honest, I thought it might take longer, a new pregnancy will not take the place of the babies I lost but I have felt God telling me that it's ok to open my heart to the idea of another, and that in itself helps the healing process.

    I knew I was getting closer to being ready to at least let that possibility happen when I came across a piece of maternity clothing and instead of crying, I thought “oh, hopefully I will be wearing this again”…I was starting to be able to look to the future with hope, instead of focusing on the past in pain…it was a big step for me. 

   I admit it can be very scary.  As much as I want to be pregnant again, my innocence is lost, or maybe crushed is the better word….I want so much to go into the next pregnancy with confidence, hope, peace…and there are days that I think I can and will.  But there are days when the anxiety and fear get the best of me and I question myself…question can we trust Him with this???  My answer has to be YES, otherwise…what is the point of life?  I can’t live in fear, there are a million things one can be afraid of or worry about everyday if we let ourselves, and we just can't live like that.  I have to trust that God is going to take care of me and I have learned that the best thing for me is to just leave it to Him.  

   Will I get pregnant this month? Next month? Next year? Never again?  I don't know.  But now when someone asks me if we are going to have anymore kids (and I get that question often) I can confidently say “It’s up to God”, because let’s be honest, a big thing I have learned from all this is that we can certainly can’t plan things…there are women, like me, who have suffered losses, women that deal with the heartache of infertility, women who get pregnant even while on birth control….so really does anyone but God ever know for sure what the future is going to hold??